Breaking Free Of The Bud

The End.....

2011-10-04T11:29:00.000+01:00

This is it, this is the end. Of this blog that is. It's certainly not the end of 'The not so secret life of Emma', just in this form. For whatever reason my laptop no longer likes this blog. It won't allow me to change the appearance or even read it. For that reason I will no longer be posting to this particular corner of the web. I am going to continue the story though, just at a different location. In truth I think that this forced change has happened at a good time. I'm deep in transition and maybe it's time that my blog transitioned too. I am going to keep this blog online as I think it's too important to delete, I just will no longer post to it.

This is quite a sad day as I've enjoyed posting to this blog. When I began it I had no idea that my life would follow the route it has. Sure I hoped it would but I've hoped for many things that never materialised. I can still remember writing that first post. I had gotten a job offer to go back to work in Spain and I was really torn about what to do. I'd just had my first night out as Emma and I knew that going to Spain would put a stop to any more nights out. It would be 13 months later that I would have a second night out as Emma in April of 2009, the year when everything changed. 2009 was the year when Emma came bounding out of the closet into the real world. I told everyone about Emma over the course of eight months. I told my mum who told the rest of my family. A few of my work collegues found this blog on google and I told every one else on Facebook. I also started seeing a therapist about my Gender Dysphoria. Then 2010 hit and I got to see a doctor at the Gender Clinic in Nottingham. I then got accepted onto the Gender program and began taking Hormone pills in August 2010. This year has been quieter and I guess has been the kind of year I needed after 3 very hectic and emotionally charged years.

All of it has been recordered here and that makes me proud. I will hopefully see you all at my new blog 'In Transition'. The address is http://the-not-so-secret-life-of-emma.blogspot.com.

All I need to do now is to say farewell to this corner of the web, much like you'd say farewell to a much loved home when you move. Thanks for the memories, it's been emotional.

YOU CAN CONTINUE READING ABOUT MY LIFE AT THE FOLLOWING ADDRESS...

http://the-not-so-secret-life-of-emma.blogspot.com

2011-09-22T20:17:00.001+01:00

So, on Monday I had my quarterly appointment with Dr Bouman at the Nottingham Gender Identity Clinic (or GIC) for short. I kind of look forward to these appointments. They act as little markers in my mind. I now have three months until my next appointment but it'll be here before I know it. The fact that it's a week before Christmas means that it'll be here extra quick lol. Anyway, we had our normal catch up on how things are going. The upshot is that he's very happy with how I'm consolidating this gender role. My transition has definitely been smoother than most seem to get, that's true. One of the questions I had was about surgery. Recently the surgeon local to this area, Dr Tim Terry in Leicester, retired suddenly. This has left things a bit messed up so to speak. Now there are only two surgeons in England performing GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery), one based in Brighton and one in London. With all of Terry's patients being refered to the two remaining surgeons there is now a backlog. It could mean a 2013 op date for me rather than 2012 as I was hopping. The other thing of course is that I'll have to go to either Brighton or London for what is a huge operation. I'd have much rather have been at Leicester which is a lot closer to home. There's not a lot I can do about it though so I'll just have to get on with things like I normally do. Another thing we talked about was relationships. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't interested in being in a relationship. Is the time right though? Psychologically it is as I've settled down into a female life. My body may not be the finished article yet but that can't be helped. Dr Bouman pressed me about what I would do should I meet someone I liked. Would I tell them straight away? The truth is that I'd probably have to. You put Emma Jewkes into Google and my Google profile is first on the search list followed by my Facebook profile. This blog is forth on the search list. There are a few of the topics I've posted to on the support forums on the first page too as well as my Twitter profile. I've made such a big footprint on the internet that it'd be practically impossible for me to hide certain things now. It's my own fault I suppose but in all truthfulness I need someone who is going to be ok about the whole transgender thing.

A Switching Soul Theory

2011-09-21T14:07:00.001+01:00

I saw a comment the other day that made me think. It was on a news report about a transgender issue, can't quite remember what it was. Anyway, the comment gave a reason for the transgender condition that I hadn't thought about before. I've always described the condition as being caused by things not happening as they should in the womb. We all start life as female. It just takes a certain chemical to be introduced to turn us into male. (got that from Jurassic Park lol). I think that it is at that point that the transgender condition occurs. Now this comment basically said that the transgender condition is a result of the soul switching genders during the reincarnation process. For some reason a soul can't switch genders between life-times. Instead it takes a few life-times for a soul to completely switch genders, hence the varying degrees of severity in gender dysphoria. For someone who has a bit of a belief in reincarnation, this struck a bit of a cord with me. It also means that in a future life-time I'll be born a girl and will hopefully get to enjoy a girls childhood and teen years. The scientist in me still believes wholeheartedly in the chemical introduction in the womb theory, but the fantasist in me likes to believe in the reincarnation theory.

Can't Go Back

2011-09-16T15:45:00.001+01:00

I found the lady lady of my old local on facebook the other day. For 3 years the Red Lion in Bakewell was my local 'boozer'. I'm not sure why it became my favorite pub in a place like Bakewell. Bakewell features 7 pubs all within 3 minutes walk of each other and for some reason I spent most of my time in the Red Lion. I think it's because it was closest to where I lived, literally across the square. I also think it's because I always received a warm welcome there from the landlord Gary. He was a character and tried to poach me a couple of times. Unfortunately he was never able to compete wage wise although which is a great shame. Back then, between the years of 2005 and 2008, I enjoyed a pint more than most people. I was a bitter drinker and I quickly grew accustomed to a pint or 7 of Bombardier. I could be found most evenings perched on a stool at the bar, bombardier in one hand, paper in the other. I did enjoy those days and I've been thinking about them alot this past day or so. It's a similar feeling to the one I have about Spain. As much as I want to go back to those days, I know that things wouldn't be the same and to a certain extent that makes me sad. I'm happier in myself now but I do miss people I've known in my life. That's one of the reasons I'll never denounce my time as a man or put it down as being a bad thing. It's not set in stone that I would've met half of the people I've met had I been born a girl. I certainly might not have got on with them as well as I did. I would then have not got the memories I have.

What's Ebay in Spanish?

2011-09-15T18:31:00.000+01:00

It's been a while since my last post. I guess that I've not really had much to write about. Even now, as I'm writing this post I'm struggling to think of a subject to write about. Maybe just a dose of writers block. I've started ebaying, that's something I can talk about. I've started selling a few bits that I don't need anymore. One of the first things to go were my silicone boobs. Now those boobs held a certain sentimental value to me but I've not needed them since May so they were just gathering dust. It's better that someone else gets the use out of them. Talking about boobs, mine are growing. I've just measured them and I'm currently 40AA. If I can get to a high B cup without needing surgery, I'll be more than happy. Selling the silicone's was hard though as they've been a huge part of my life. I can remember buying them in London a few years ago. I actually brought hem in preparation for my first night out. Before then I'd used some homemade ones. I'd weighed out two lots of dried rice, exactly the same, and filled two stocking legs with them. They made two similar sized balls and were okay when I dressed in private. For the public world though, I needed something a bit more realistic. That's why I spent £300 on them. They came with me when ever I went out as Emma and even did nearly a year of the RLT with me. In the end they were like old friends. Stupid getting sentimental over 2 lumps of plastic, I know. A couple of other things that are going on Ebay are my football shirts and my wigs. The footie shirts are the last part of Him I have left and hold a lot of sentiment for me. As a guy I used to live in my football shirts and so they each old different memories for me. I have to sell them though, mainly so I can fully move on. The same goes for the wigs. They resemble a life that I used to have, a life before long hair. I love having long hair and used to hate having to take the wig off at the end of the night. The removing of the wig became the natural end to my time as Emma. After I'd taken the wig off, I had to go back to normal and so I used to hate that moment. Again though, as with the boobies, they are just gathering dust. Maybe they can help someone else. Of course the money will come in handy too lol. As for the money, I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I'd like an IPad but that's not necessarily top of my list. I'd like to pop over to Spain for a holiday and so that's a possibility. Every now and then I'll read a status report from one of my friends over there and for a moment I wish I was back there. I did have a great time there and I have no doubt that had I not been transitioning I'd have just done a summer season there. Obviously it would be great to go back to work at some point but any possibility of that is years away due to my situation. I have had trouble getting Spain out of my system though, that's for sure. I guess that going back is turning into a bit of a dream for me now. Someday.....

Another Vlog Post

2011-09-02T15:07:00.000+01:00

Just a quick post today. I've filmed my 3rd episode of 'Over The Rainbow', my Video Blog (or Vlog) and you can view it below. I've actually invested in a new webcam so the quality and sound should be better on future editions. I'm really enjoying doing these videos. It's something a bit different. This ones about my recent holiday to Ingoldmells. I went with my older sister Clare, my neices Bethany (9) and Jessica (4) and my nephew Callum (7). It was great to spend time with them and I feel that I bonded with them. Anyway, here's episode 3 of Over The Rainbow.

Summer Hols

2011-08-17T23:31:00.000+01:00

So, I have just one more day of work left before my hols. I honestly cannot wait, I'm like a big kid. I'm only going to Skeggy for christs sake lol. I am really looking forward to it though. I don't go until Saturday but I'm off work from Friday. I'm ready for the time off more than anything I think. I really need a week or so away from the kitchen, really need to recharge the batteries.

I'm going to Skeggy with my older sister and her three young children. I've been joking that I'm going to be ready for a holiday after I come back after spending a week in a caravan with those three. The truth is that I'm really looking forward to spending some time with them. I think that these kind of holidays are more for the children and I'm completely fine with that. As long as I can enjoy a few drinks and some fish and chips, I'll be happy. It's also a great opportunity to spend some time with my sister Clare. I definately feel that we're closer than we have ever been. It'll be nice if we can make this a bit of an annual thing.

After the holiday I can start planning ahead. I think that holidays can often take up a lot of your thought processes as you plan them and it'll be nice to beable to focus on other areas of my life. First on the agenda is the laser and I'm going to try a place in Nottingham I've been recommended.

Don't Wanna Shave No More!

2011-08-13T00:54:00.000+01:00

Yesterday at the Chams get-together the conversation turned to laser treatment. Aside from the past month or so I've been attending a place in Mansfield for a year and a half and I'm slightly concerned at the lack of progress. From what some of the other girls were saying about their own treatment, I should be expecting far better results than what I've had.

This brings me onto quite a difficult choice. I need to change clinics, I know I do, but I feel really guilty about it. The lady who I've been seeing in Mansfield has been seeing me since before I began to transition and she's been nothing but supportive. But this is about my future and I need to be getting better results regarding my facial hair. I long for the day that I can go out without wearing foundation and I honestly can't see that happening soon.

I can't afford any more treatments until September anyway because of my holiday but I do need to look for another clinic, preferably with a LightSheer machine as apparently that's the best way to go. I'm pretty sure that at my present clinic it's IPL. If anyone has any recomendations in the Nottingham, Mansfield, Chesterfield or Sheffield area, please let me know.

Chams and Effects

2011-08-12T01:52:00.000+01:00

Well tonight I popped over to Nottingham again for the fortnightly Notts Chams group. I somehow missed my exit on the M1 and so arrived slightly later than I wanted to. I was still early though and there were only a few girls there. Lynn Jones was there and it was great to see her again. I was also pleasantly surprised to see Samantha there. I last saw her back in May when we had a bit of a shopping trip to Meadowhall. It was great to catch up with her again.

It was a bit different to last time, more groupy rather than party but I still enjoyed it nonetheless. It was nice to sit there with my coffee listening to all the various conversations going on. I felt more comfortable this time as though I fitted in a bit more. I guess that it's like when you join a new class at school. It takes a while before you can relax and let your guard down.

In other news I've noticed one or two different things since I had my Anti-androgen implant on Monday. I seem to tire more easily and I've experienced more mood swings than normal. Physically, my penis has shrunk quite considerably, seemingly overnight. It was a bit of a surprise to be honest. I can't say that I'm upset though lol. On a negative note, my facial hair seems to have received a dose of miracle grow. I knew that my testosterone level would spike during the first couple of weeks but still. I'm just hoping that it calms down in time for my holiday. Of course some of these effects may be physiological as I'm expecting them. The anti-androgen shouldn't work that fast should it?

A Quick Update

2011-08-07T12:23:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow marks a very important day for me as I'm having my first anti-androgen implant fitted. After a 6 week stall and a few phonecalls to my GP and the Notts GIC I've finally got it sorted and I have an appointmemnt with my GP at 9:50 in the morning. I'me quite nervous and I'm not looking forward to the side effects at all. If they are anything like the side effects I got when I started hormones a year ago then I'm in for a rough ride.

I'm looking forward to thursday as it's the next notts chams meet. It'll be nice to get out and see people. Then on Friday it's my one year anniversary on hormones. They've made a large impact on my life with the biological changes they've made.

I've also recorded a second Vlog post. I'm really enjoying doing these short videos and I hope that other people are enjoying watching them. My first video has 240 views so far which I'm quite happy with. I've embedded it below.

Nottingham Chams Take 2

2011-07-29T00:59:00.001+01:00

On the 23rd July 2009 I visited Nottingham Chameleons for the first time. Today, 2 years and 5 days later, I visited for the second time. Thinking back to that day just over 2 years ago, it's a clear marker to how far I've come. I was only 'out' to family and going full-time was still a year away. In fact then, the idea that I might one day be living as a female was just that, an idea. It is truly amazing how far I've come in what is a relatively short space of time.

The great thing about Chams is that it's very easy to get to by car. It's just three M1 junctions down from where I live. For that reason I arrived a bit earlier than I thought I would. There were one or two there when I got there and I was quickly made to feel very welcome. The one thing I'd been slightly worried about was that I'd be the only one transitioning. These groups are great for those within the trans community who are only part-time dressers and I didn't want to gate crash something that wasn't meant for me. I was pleasently suprised when I got talking to a girl who was there with her wife. She was a couple of months behind me at Notts GIC and it was great to chat and compare experiences. It was also great to chat to Lynn again who had made me feel so welcome a couple of years ago. I ended up having a good chinwag with a girl called Sophie. The night ended at just after 11 and I was soon driving back down the M1.

On my home 2 years ago I had a bit of a first when I called for petrol. It had been my first time in a non TG area as Emma. Tonight I called into the same petrol station and pondered my journey. I've often compared the TG journey to a motorway. You can stay on to the end or you can take the first exit you come to. If you need a break then you can call into services until you're ready to rejoin the TG highway. I guess that for the past year I've been in services. I needed that break away from the scene, needed to refuel and take stock. I'm glad that I've rejoined the TG community though, a community that I'm proud to be part of.

The big question is will I go back to Chams? Yes I think so. I really enjoyed myself and met some really interesting people. I needed the time out and it has done me good. The thing that these groups provide is the knowledge that you aren't alone. Different people get different things out of them. Being full-time I'm not going to get the novelty of getting out dressed or of being treated like 'one of the girls'. What I am going to get is the opportunity to get to know people and make friends. I am already looking forward to the next Chams meet in a couple of weeks :-)

The Premier of Over The Rainbow

2011-07-21T19:17:00.000+01:00

I've done my first ever VLOG. VLOG for those not in the know stands for Video Log, I believe. I'm not entirely sure why I decided to start one. I think that it's the chance to do something different, get out to a wider audience. I did enjoy doing it although it took me ages. The filming of it was quite easy. It was the editing of it that took the most time. By the time I'd done the filming of it I was left with about 45 minutes worth of me talking to camera! I had to cut it down somewhat lol. I've managed to cut it down to about 10 minutes worth of me talking to camera and I think it's ok. There is a lot of room for improvement but that's what the future VLOG posts will hopefully do.

Having a video diary does have it's practical uses. It will help me with the voice for starters as well as improve my confidence. One of the main things I've picked up for improvement in the next post is that I need to speak louder. You'll see what I mean when you watch it.

The Video diary isn't going to replace this written blog. It's going to run along side it as a sort of Live Version of this blog. I've even given it a different title, Over The Rainbow. I hope you enjoy it and any comments are welcome.

I Needed it, I Just Never Realised It.

2011-07-14T01:31:00.000+01:00

I've had a very thought provoking few days let me tell you. I guess that a lot of it has stemed from the recent Sparkle event in Manchester. I didn't go and now I really regret that. I guess that I kidded myself that I didn't need it that maybe I was beyond it now. That was perhaps more down to naivety than anything else although if I'm being honest it was also down to a touch of denial. Obviously personal circumstances (no transport, finances, work) all played a part but I wrote the script and directed the play. I could've caught a train or bus, saved for a few months and requested the time off work. I didn't though and deep down it is sopmething I regret. On this blog I've recently said things about Sparkle and about the LGBT scene that were less than complimentary. I was wrong about alot of what I said and I guess that I was looking for excuses. Looking for reasons to stay away from all things TG. It's perhaps not a coincidence that my Blog has been neglected a little this year, especially compared to the past few years. It is also perhaps no coincidence that my posting on the support sites I'm a member of has become very rare. I've spent the past year convincing myself that I was beyond being TG. I needed to be a woman not a Transgendered woman and so I believed that I didn't need the support or the friends. I now know that I was wrong. If anything I needed the support more than ever, I needed to know that I wasn't alone and I needed the ear of people who knew what I was going through because they'd gone through it themselves.

My eyes have been opened I guess and I am really excited about getting back out and about. At Sparkle last year I met up with a girl I knew called Claire. At the time she was considering going full-time and she has since told me that talking to me helped her to make that leap. Maybe meeting me could encourage other girls to make the leap. I'm not making myself out to be some kind of messiah of the TG world, spreading the word out far and wide. It would be nice to know that I've had some effect on peoples lives though and that my positive journey has helped others.

So after a year of self imposed exile from the TG world I'm ready to return, indeed I need to return, need to remember where I came from and to give something back. This return could begin as soon as the 28th July and the next Nottingham Chameleons meeting. I'm trying to arrange for Wednesdays and Thursdays to become my days off at work which would enable me to attend these meets on a regular basis. It would also enable me to get to Manchester and maybe attend some Northern Angels meals on a monthly basis. They tend to be held on the first wednesday of the month and I know a few of the girls who attend these meals regularly. Getting to these events would also give me a social life and maybe that is at the brunt of my imminent return to the scene. I do have a severe lack of a social life and this effects my moods. Having these opportunities to get out will give me something to look forward to. The big thing that I'm hoping for though is that I can forge some new friendships within the TG community as well as renew old ones.

Family, Check. Work, Check. Social Life, .....

2011-07-11T23:11:00.000+01:00

Every now and then something happens to remind me that life is passing me by. I'm not getting all depressed so don't worry. I have a lot to look forward to and I'm more than happy to be alive. I'm just realising that I'm in the Transgender purgatory of Pre-Op. I'm not woman and I'm not man, just an inbetween hybrid of the two. I've not been able to have laser for a couple of months due to financial reasons so the lack of progress on that front is bound to effect me. I also have a severe lack of a social life. I never get invited to anywhere and I'm not blaming anyone for that. I'm perhaps to blame for being TG. Who wants to be seen with a Transexual?

I need some kind of social life, that much is evident. I've got a car now so getting out and about isn't a problem anymore. I do have friends within the trans community too although they are pretty well spread around the country. Manchester is a 2 hour drive away otherwise I'd be out on Canal Street a lot more. BNO in Milton Keynes is also a big thing on my list and I'm hoping to get down there for a night later on in the year. I think that maybe I still need the 'scene' and perhaps have dismissed it a bit too soon. I don't need it so much for the novelty value, more for the reason I needed it 3 years ago. I need to know that I'm not alone on this TG journey.

3 years ago I had my first night out, no my first TIME out as Emma. For new readers to this blog, it was a night out on Canal Street in Manchester. It was a great night out and it kinda set things up to where they are now. It seems like a lifetime away now. It was a year later that I'd get out as Emma for a second time, again on Canal Street. It's now been a year since my last venture onto that famous street. Back then I had a social life, friends and now I don't really. I'm happy in myself, I'm happy in my work, I'm happy in life. The one thing missing is other people and a life away from family and work. I love my family to bits but you need things away from it, something else.

N.D.S. (Not Doing Sparkle)

2011-07-09T11:36:00.000+01:00

This weekend Canal Street in Manchester plays host to the annual Sparkle celebrations. For those of you not in the know, Sparkle is a 2-3 day transgender festival. Held on the first or second weekend of July, it has become a huge event. I went last year and boy was it an experience. Looking back I went at the wrong time. Ideally I should have gone a year or two before. Last year I was a month into full-time and I think that at that stage I didn't need an event like Sparkle. Sparkle is ideal for transvestites and cross-dressers but not (in my opinion) for transexuals. Don't get me wrong I think that transexuals can get something out of it as aside from the festivities on the street, there are also Transgender related workshops and talks. What I mean is that Sparkle is great as it gives you 2 or 3 straight days of living as a female. It gives you the chance to express yourself in a way you may not get in the 'real world'. For the full-time girl, that novelty just isn't there.

For many transvestite Sparkle is the promised land. For me, it was a kind of holy grail for 4 or 5 years. I knew about it and every year I would read about it on the support groups. I was desperate to go and to spend a whole weekend as the real me. For one reason or another it didn't happen though and because of that I probably built it into this huge thing and in kinda failed in that respect. Again I'm not dissing the event, it just wasn't for me. I'm not saying that I'll never ever attend it again as I probably will next year as it's an ideal event during which to catch up with my friends from the 'scene'.

I've not actually been on the 'scene' for a year now, Sparkle being my last time. I guess that it must be partly by choice that I've not made the effort to get back up to Manchester. I've spoken about the TG scene many times on this blog and I do look on it with some fondness. I had some great times in Manchester and I have some great memories. I can still remember getting ready in my hotel room. I used to have a love/hate relationship with my wig as I remember. I used to love wearing it as it completed the look and gave me long hair. I used to hate it though as it used to get bloody hot under it! The 'scene' gave me the novelty of getting out dressed as Emma and I don't need that anymore. I will get back up to Manchester one day, I'm pretty hopeful of that. I'm also hoping to get back down to BNO at some point too.

The Fear

2011-06-28T15:37:00.000+01:00

Its not been a bad couple of weeks all in all. I have had one set back though regarding my anti-androgen implant. I went to the doctors last Tuesday and apparently they don't fit the implant. It's not an anti transition thing as he did say that he'd be happy to prescribe the anti-androgen in another form. They just won't fit the implant. I've called the GIC and they are trying to sort something out so hopefully normal service will be resumed soon.

Now I'm into my second year of the Real Life Test my thoughts are moving towards the surgery. I'm a year away from seeing the surgeon for my second opinion but it's no surprise that I'm thinking about going under the knife now. It is the biggest thing on my 'to do' list so to speak. I'm really scared about it if I'm being completely honest. That's not to say that I'm not looking forward to it or that I'm having second thoughts about it. The op is something that I need to go through but I'll be a lot happier after it. The 8 weeks holiday will be nice too lol. I'm kinda hoping that it happens around November 2012 so I can have Christmas off but I'm thinking that it could be around August 2012.

The fear that I mentioned before is strange as it comes and goes. The other night I was in work when suddenly I felt a pang of terror as my mind wandered. It happens every so often and is quite unsettling. I think that if I wasn't scared about it then I wouldn't be human.

Cars and Testosterone Blockers Are A Girls Best Friends

2011-06-14T21:38:00.000+01:00

Well, what a week it's been! I am now back on the road. I have a silver 1 litre Chevrolet Matiz. It's 3 years old and is awesome. I love it and love how easy it's made life. It's the first car I've had for 2 years but it's strange how easy I found getting back behind the wheel. I thought that I'd find it hard but I've taken back to it like a duck to water. My confidence isn't quite there yet but that's a good thing I think.

Yesterday I had my appointment at the Nottingham GIC. It was with Dr Bouman and we had a nice chat about how things were going. For the first time he mentioned seeing a surgeon for my second opinion. It won't be until next June but I know how fast a year can go. Having these quarterly appointments at the GIC seems to make the time go quick. Before I know it it'll be September and my next appointment! Another development that occurred yesterday was that he's going to write to my GP in relation to prescribing an anti-androgen. It's administered in the form of an implant in my belly. It should really knock my testosterone levels down and should effect my body hair and (hopefully) facial hair. I'm hoping to recieve my first implant within the next couple of weeks.

A Year In The Life (1 Year Full-Time)

2011-06-07T19:08:00.002+01:00

Monday, 7 June 2010

The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life
Well this is it. After a couple of revertions back to male mode over the weekend, I'm now officially full-time. What does it feel like? Well to be honest not much different than before. I spent the majority of last week full-time, so it was more strange having to revert back to being a man, than it feels this morning. I think that going back to work on thursday will be when it really hits. I'm kinda looking forward to it, but I'm incredibly nervous too. I'm actually going to pop in on Wednesday to have a chat with the manager and also to change my name with the accounts department. Before that I have another bout of laser tomorrow. It'll be my first time going as Emma, so I'm also really nervous about that too. I actually told her that I would be transitioning a couple of months ago, so shes fully aware of the situation.
And what are my plans today, on the first day of the rest of my life? Well I'm going to do a bit of hoovering, mow the lawn and I'm going to wash some clothes. Exciting I know, but tonight I have a nice bottle of red wine to celebrate my new beginning and new life.
Posted by xEmmax at 10:26 AM

That was the post I wrote a year ago today, the day I went full-time as a woman. I can't quite believe that it's been a year. It has flown by, that's true, but it also feels like much longer than a year. It feels like I've been living this way for most of my life while in truth, one year is just a fraction of the twenty nine since I was born. I could start to sprout on about how lucky I feel to have made a year and how proud of myself I am. The truth is that I had no doubt that I would make a year, just as I have no doubt that this time next year I'll be marking my second anniversary. There was never any question that I would ever go back to living as a man. I knew that this was something that I needed to do it's as simple as that and not once have I regretted my decision.

It's not been the easiest year of my life that's for certain. It has been extremely hard at times and not just on myself. My family has had to come to terms with my transition and I can't thank them enough for their support. My work mates have also had to come to terms with the new me and I've had a lot of support from them.

The thing I tried to stress before I went full-time and in the early days was that I was a work in progress.

That was me a year ago, nearly to the day.

This is me today, this morning in fact. My how I've changed lol.

So what of this next year, this second year on my journey. Well in July next year I'll have been on the official RLT (the 20th July 2010 was the official date put down by the GIC, even though I'd been full-time for 6 weeks at this point.) for two years. Then I can start to think about surgery. In an ideal world I'll have surgery just before Christmas, then at least I'll get a festive period off. I think it could well be early 2013 before I have a date though, we'll see. I guess that things have gone so smoothly so far that a bit of an extra wait won't hurt me.

Speaking of surgery, someone mentioned to me that it's good that surgery isn't the be all and end all for me. Surgery is the target, the ultimate target I guess. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet though. I am definately going the whole hog so to speak, I'm just a little scared that's all. I saw a video the other day showing the opperation and it made me feel a tad ill. It showed it all in the goriest detail and I had trouble keeping the fry up I'd eaten an hour before down,it must be said. On the plus side, the finished product looked as real as the real thing and it made me realise what a miracle this opporation is. It is just an event though, something I have to go through to be whole. In the meantime I could either be stewing or getting on with my life. I'm looking forward to reaching the final destination more than anything, but I'm enjoying the journey, experiencing life.

The Perfect Storm

2011-05-28T01:25:00.000+01:00

One of my fellow bloggers calls it 'The Black Dog'. I personally see it as a storm. I'm talking about these periods of depression that sweep over me from time to time. They only last for a few days at a time but boy do they effect me. I don't get them often thank god and I certainly don't class myself as a depressive. I do get depressed though and it 's something I just have to get through somehow.

The Black Dog analogy is quite a good one as it is as though a Black Dog comes to visit, just sitting beside me, casting it's darkness around. After a day or so it disappears only to reappear when it's hungry. I see it as more like a storm though.

For a day before I get the familiar stillness, the odd gust of wind to warn of the impending storm. It is the calm before the storm hits. I should know by now, but when the storm does hit, I get knocked sideways by it. It seems to come out of nowhere to batter me from pillar to post. There's nothing much I can do, I just have to hang on for dear life. There is a moment when it's at it's worst though, a very set moment in time. It's the eye of the storm and It's kinda reassuring in a strange way as I know that I won't feel any worse than I do at that point. I also know that things can only get better.

It's normally the stupidest of things that triggers these episodes, but that trigger is often magnyfied to become more than what it is. This time I began to feel unbelievably lonely as I realised that I don't really have a social life. All of my insecurities about growing old before my time and dying lonely came rushing to the surface. It's stupid I know. I have a lot to be thankful for and I am thankful. It just sometimes takes me time to realise that, that's all. Or at least it takes a day within the perfect storm.

Meeting Old Friends And Pastures New

2011-05-23T19:11:00.000+01:00

On Saturday night I had the chance to meet up with a couple of old friends. They had attended a wedding at work and after I finished my shift I popped in and had a couple of drinks with them. Howard used to be the sous chef at a hotel I worked at in Bakewell. Clare, his wife, was the head housekeeper. We'd kept in touch on Facebook, but I hadn't seen either of them since my leaving do nearly 3 years to the day.

Natuarally they had a lot of questions and I answerd them with the same honesty I've tried to use ever since I came out. It felt quite strange to be talking about my gender issues because I've been full-time for nearly a year. I really enjoyed seeing them again and I'm really going to try to make a trip to Bakewell in the near future. I've kept in touch with a few of my old friends from Bakewell via Facebook and some of them have shown an interest in my transition.

Seeing my friends has made me think alot and reassess one or two things. I spent 3 years in Bakewell from January 2005 until May 2008 and I did have some good times there. For anyone who knows Bakewll you will know what I mean when I describe it. It's very close knit. If you crossed Eastenders with Emerdale then you would come up with a place not to disimilar to Bakewell. Some of the locals have 3 or 4 generations before them buried in the local cemetary. Everyone knows each other and. You can get up in the morning and stub your toe on the cupboard and by the time you put your slippers on, half of the town will know about it. How I managed to keep my other life secret I'll never know.

As I said though, I did have some good times there and met some people I'll never forget. If it weren't for the changes in management at the hotel then I have no doubt that I'd probabaly still be there. You can never go back though, as they say, and my lifestyle is completely different to what it was. If I could go back to mid 2006 and be where I am now personally and metally, I'd be very happy though. I have gone back a couple of times in recent history. I've worked at the same place in Spain on two different occasions (either side of my Bakewell adventure) and my present job is at the hotel I trained in 12 years ago. I came back here after a 7 year absence!

One thing that I had at Bakewell that I don't seem to have now is a social life. I work, come home and then work. I don't seem to have any friends, just work colleagues and it does get me down sometimes. I'm as much to blame for this as anyone else, I know, but it stll doesn't make it any easier. I have enjoyed my time back at Ringwood but I guess I'm in that stewing phase where my feet start getting itchy. I started looking for a new job before Christmas but ended up deciding to stay. I never completely put the idea to bed though, I am staying in the catering industry. It's all I know. I do think that a change could be in order though, I'm just waiting for the right job and opportunity to present itself.

Don't Call Me Mate!

2011-05-18T11:19:00.000+01:00

Am I being a good woman? It's a question I ask myself daily and one that I'm kinda concerned about the answer to. If I'm being honest, I think I'm doing ok. I dress perhaps a couple of years younger but I consider myself a teenager anyway. I also don't look my age (I hope lol). My make-up is still a bit of a problem but it's getting better as my beard shadow reduces. It doesn't help doing 12 hour days at work in a hot kitchen either, but I make the best of it and touch up around 3 times. I still enjoy football and still play football manager on the laptop, but I don't think that gender should matter in enjoying football to be honest. My voice has it's good days and bad days, but I am constantly trying in that area. The majority of people percieve me as being female, especially those who don't know me, which is good. I think that the majority of my workmates now see me as female, although I still get mate now and then. I see the term 'mate' as being a term you use when referring to a male friend so I really hate being called 'mate', especially at work. I don't think that anyones uses it towards me in an attempt at being insulting, but that doesn't stop it bringing me down and effecting my mood.

Being a full-time trans woman is all about acceptence. A simple 'love' or 'sweetheart' has the ability to transform a mediocre day into a brilliant day. On the otherside of the coin, a 'mate' or 'pal' has the ability to make you question everything. I guess that I need to know that I'm doing good and getting called 'mate' shows me that I'm not. It shows me that certain people still see me as being a man or worse, a man pretending to be a woman.

A Normal Life

2011-05-16T01:03:00.000+01:00

So begins the countdown to my 'first birthday' and I can't wait. I've not got much planned for the day, I'll probably be working, but I am looking forward to the planned night out in Manchester. This still depends on me getting the weekend off from work, but it should be ok. I'm more looking forward to catching up with a few old friends than anything else. I'm not necersarily looking forward to the 'scene' I'll experience on Canal Street, mainly because 'the scene' doesn't really interest me anymore. There was a time when I needed it and it was good for me. I had some great times on Canal Street and met some fantastic people. I guess that I just don't need it anymore.

Back when I was doing the whole 'dressing up' thing, going out into the world was the next logical step. Dressing up in your room on your own is cool for a while, but eventually it's not enough. Going out on 'the scene' was kinda the next logical step for me. It was an essential part of my journey. Now I'm living as a woman and even developing into one, I don't need places like BNO or Les Femmes. I need a normal life doing normal things. I went to Sparkle last July and it made me realise that. I'd been full-time for a month at this point and going to Sparkle made me forget that I was full-time and I didn't like that one bit. Sparkle is good for some people but I kinda don't need it anymore. Events like Sparkle are essential parts of the TG experience though and I am glad that I went last year. Similar events such as BNO and Les Femmes in Sheffield are essential parts of the scene too. I guess that they are more for the transvestite part of the TG spectrum though.

A couple of weeks ago I met up with Samantha Hewit, a friend of mine, and we did a bit of shopping at Meadowhall. It was great to catch up with her as I hadn't seen her for nearly 2 years. We had a good gossip and it was a really good day.

In other news my OU course is nearly finished. I've got one more assignment due at the end of the month, but I should pass. I'm quietly confident anyway.

Not Long Now

2011-05-10T03:25:00.000+01:00

In just under a months time I'll be celebrating a huge thing in my life. I'll be celebrating a year of living full-time as a female. It is a huge event personally and one that I'm desperate to mark. I'm not expecting presents or cards, nothing like that. It's not a second birthday really. It's a personal anniversary for which I expect acknowledgement. I guess lol.

I've decided to mark it in a way that befits such an occasion and in a location that means so much to me. Canal Street will always be a special place to me as it's where I had my first night out as Emma over 3 years ago. It's also where I met a lot of the people I know within the TG community. I guess you could say that it's the place where I realized who I was, although that's probably over romanticizing it a bit lol.

I've organised, or at least I'm attempting to organise, a bit of a night out on the 11th June. At the moment it's just a pub crawl along Canal Street although, depending on numbers, I may try and book a table for a meal. I've had one or two RSVP's and it should be a good night out. I'm not going to Sparkle this year so this is a good alternative for me and a great chance to catch up with old friends. I'm sure that they'll notice the change in me :-)

Keeping Abreast of Things

2011-05-01T00:44:00.000+01:00

I measured my bust for the first time this morning. I've been having thoughts about doing without the breast forms for a few days now as I feel that my breasts are growing nicely. I used an online bra calculator where you put the measurements in and it calculates what bra you should be wearing. I had to measure underneath my bust then the actual bust. It came back with 38AA which I'm really happy with. I think that for 9 months on hormones then that's a really respectable size considering that I'm still only on a rather low dosage (4mg a day) and that I'm not yet on testosterone blockers.

So tomorrow I'm going to invest in my first bras designed for my real breasts and not for the breast forms. It's quite a special moment for me as It's another step closer to being real. It's like when I did away with the wigs. I'm not doing away with the forms altogether, but I'm definately on that part of the journey now. I'm actually thinking that a set of chicken fillets (breast enhancers) might be the way to go rather than the full breast forms. In truth, the forms are getting quite uncomfortable now anyway as they press on my chest.

2 Years Since I 'Came Out'

2011-04-25T13:30:00.000+01:00

Yesterday marked a bit of an anniversary, the anniversary of my 'coming out' to my mum. It was a huge event in my life down to what has happened since. I guess that it was the spring board to my current life. I have no doubt that I would have 'come out' sooner or later but doing it when I did has definately benefited me in the long term.

The date was 24th April 2009. I had spent all day fretting over how I was going to tell her. I knrew that I had to tell her, It was almost like it was my one chance. It was the longest day though. I couldn't eat, couldn't think, couldn't function really. I was just so worried about what I was going to say and what her reaction would be. It's stupid I know, but you can never underestimate 'coming out'. You can't take it back and you just have to accept the consequences. In 'coming out' you not only change your own life, you change the lives of those who love and know you. Having that much power over peoples lives is not something I enjoyed to be honest, it was something I had to do though.

I know that it effected my mum really hard and for that I'm still sorry. Over the following weeks we chatted about it and she told the rest of the family. I wasn't particularly happy about that as I felt that I needed to tell people but I understand that she needed to talk to people about it. A few months after, she sorted out some counselling through her work (she works in the NHS) and through that counselling I realised what I needed to do.

I'm pretty positive that if I hadn't 'come out' then, I'd still be living duel lives. I'd be dressing in the dead of night and sneeking off to Manchester every couple of months for the odd night out. I'd also be a deeply confused and unhappy man, wheras I now feel like a happy and peaceful woman. These two years since I 'came out' have been hard, sometimes troubling and confusing for many people beside myself, but personally I couldn't be happier. As I said, 'coming out' shouldn't be underestimated, but that doesn't mean that it can't be the catylyst for something truly special.

La Manga Times

2011-04-21T11:17:00.000+01:00

Just after Christmas, a friend at work mentioned on Facebook that he wanted a job abroad. I ended up giving him the details to where I used to work in Spain. In just a few weeks he'll be jetting off to a summer in La Manga. I am only slightly jealous lol. I can remember how I was feeling as I struke down the days before I jetted off to Spain. The first time I was 22 and it was a new adventure. I'd dreamed of working abroad for years, ever since a holiday to Corfu and it was happening. I was nervous as hell as I didn't know what to expect. There was also the risk factor and the meeting new people. I've never been a great mixer, not at first anyway, but you do make new friends wherever you go.

The second time I was a bit older at 26 and although I knew what to expect I was still nervous. I'd left on rather bad terms 3 years earlier and this was my chance to put things right. The way I'd left had played on my mind for 3 years, the way I'd burnt bridges. On that second stint I built these bridges again and had a great summer. It didn't end quite so well but I realised what I needed to do in life. I reached the lowest point I've ever been, but out of that darkness I found light. From that point, my life has definately become better than it's ever been. I'm not saying that it's all been plain sailing or easy but it's been another adventure that's for sure.

I have no doubt in my mind that had I not been going through this transition then I'd be jetting back to Spain next month. I'd love to go back there for the summer and when ever I hear Take it Easy by The Eagles I think about my mates in La Manga and a summer of fun. It would be difficult for me to go back though, at least for the next 2 or 3 years and that kinda makes me sad. It's just one of the sacrifices that I've made to be happy.

Alls Well In Gotham

2011-04-17T01:36:00.000+01:00

I can remember before I went full-time last year. I used to experience days where I just felt so low. They were days when I would have done anything to make the internal pain I was feeling go away. In a way I did that by going full-time as the depressions stopped their frequency. I still get depressed, though not at the rate I did a year ago, nor are these depressions as bad. Then they used to last days on end and on a couple of occasions I considered ending them for good. Thankfully I didn't though and I'm still here.

Nowadays these depressions take on a slightly different form. Before I was desperate to live my life as a female. Now I am, I get depressed over things I can't change. I want to have been born a girl. I can't change that (not in this life anyway) and I think that is why it depresses me. The hormones help to be fair as I see how my body is changing and it cheers me up. I have a really good breast growth now and thats after only 9 months on hormones. I'm hope-full that I won't need implants. My skin is softer and psychologically I feel like a woman. A side effect is that my appetite has increased and so has my waist line. I'm still a size 12, but I do have a belly now, not something I'm particularly happy with. I'm happy being a size 12, that doesn't bother me. I'd prefer a flater belly though I must say.

I managed to get back online recently after I brought a new laptop. I needed one for my Open University work and it's now my new BFF (Best Friend Forever). I love it, love being able to visit the support sites I used to frequent so often. I gained alot of advice and insight from those websites in the confusing years of my early twenties. Roses inparticular helped me a lot. That was the first real TG site I discovered back in the summer of 2003. After visiting that site I finally knew that I wasn't alone. Angels is the other major support site and it's through that site that I got out as Emma for the first time in 2008. I have a lot to be thankful to those 2 websites for and I'm looking forward to being able to give my own advice to girls going through what I used to.

All in all, apart from the odd depression, life is pretty good. I'm enjoying my work. The family is ticking along nicely. I feel that I'm closer than I've ever been to my big sister and can't wait to go on holiday with her and the kids in August. The one truth in everything though is that I could never go back to living as a man again, not if you paid me all the gold on the earth.

10 months full-time

2011-04-07T10:54:00.000+01:00

So today marks rather a special day. 10 months ago on this very day I put the last of my male clothes into the dustbin and began living the dream. I keep on waiting for these anniversaries every month and have mentioned them on facebook a few times. It's the whole thing about marking a month off and 10 months is definately a bit of a milestone. It's double figures and only 2 months away from the year mark.

I do think that anniversaries are important though and I've often celebrated them on this blog. They allow you to think about things and to reflect. Being transgender makes some of these anniversaries all the more important. In a couple of weeks for instance I'll be celebrating my second anniversary of my 'coming out' to my mother. That proved to be one of the most important events of my live due to everything that's happened since. Without that event I seriously doubt that the event I'm celebrating today could never have happened.

My Mum The Legend.

2011-04-04T02:19:00.001+01:00

So, mothers day, a day to celebrate mums. I'm particularly proud of my mum for obvious reasons. She's been a tower of strength over the past couple of years, not just for me but for the whole family. Speaking for myself she's been unbelievably supportive, even though its been extremely hard for her. She can nag with the best of them, but I know that it just shows how much she cares.
I've heard a lot of stories of the parents of transgender individuals spurning their child. It makes me all the more thankful to have the mum I have. It has been hard for her but my happiness comes first in her eyes as does the happiness of all her 4 children.
I think that the main thing that I get from her is my ability to battle on despite lifestyle attempts to derail me. I'm one of lifes survivors and I have her to thank for that. My mum is amazing and although I don't say it often enough, I couldn't do without her.

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Always Thought I Was Special

2011-03-30T13:02:00.001+01:00

I've decided to apply to join the police. To be honest, its something I always fancied trying. At school the police was my first choice for work experience. It was only an undelivered message that stopped this. I've had a bit of a research and I'm going to try the specials first. This is voluntary police work (a min of 4 hours a week) that aims to give you a taste of what real police work is all about. You have the same powers as real officers just unpaid. I called this morning and they're going to send me an application pack. There are a couple of things that might stop me getting in, my fitnesss for one, but I'm going to give myself the best chance I can. Going to start running within the next few weeks and I'm going to start watching what I eat.

I hope that I get in and I'm confident that my gender and progressive transition shouldn't prevent it. If anything it might work for me as they're always going on about achieving a more diverse police force.

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Families Eh!

2011-03-21T23:01:00.001Z

Families eh, they give you joy, hope and support. They provide relief from lonliness as well as the occasional loan. They love us and often provide our lives with meaning. They also make us despair sometimes. I know its rare for a tg person to say this, but I'm not at the centre of the current crisis within my family. Well, in a way I am, just not in the way you probably suspect. Basically my younger sister was late with my birthday card last week. My dad defended me in that he sent her a text telling her that he wasn't impressed with that. She replied with a nasty text so my dad replied with one back. Before you know it, my sisters fiance gets involved and its world war 3. To be honest I wish it hadn't been my birthday as everything would still be fine. I kinda feel as though its my fault. I know its stupid but its the way I feel. I'm sure everything will work itself out. I hate it when there's bad feeling within the family.

In other news everything is fine. I'm giving serious thought to going to Sparkle again this year. Really its an opportunity to meet up with old friends again and I did enjoy the daytime last year. At least this year I'd know what to expect.

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29 not out

2011-03-17T22:33:00.001Z

I had another appointment at the Nottingham GIC on Monday. All in all it was a very positive appointment. My blood tests came back. Since August my testosterone has halved while my oestradiol has doubled which is as a result of the hormones I've been taking daily since then. My next appointment is in June when my doseage will be upped to 6mg a day and I can't wait.
I turned 29 on Tuesday and had a very quiet day. I popped into Mansfield for a spot clothes shopping and treated myself to a greggs sausage roll but didnt do a lot else. Next years the biggy.
It's starting to strike me a bit more that I'm going through a sex change. I guess that now that the effects are more physical its more real. I've got a way of trivilising it as a simple process but in all truth its not. It's a major thing that I'm putting my body and mind through, the biggest thing after being born and dying that a human being can go through. Yet for me its just a path through life. Despite how huge it is though, it takes something such as the recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan to really put it in perspective.

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A Change Of Style

2011-02-26T19:31:00.001Z

I finally got my hair done on Thursday. This was a big event as it was the first time. After growing it for 15 months nearly it was time. I went to a salon in Mansfield. I've been there a couple of times to get my eyebrows done and so they know me. I've had a fringe cut, some layers put in and a bit of a shape. It definately looks a lot better although it's taken a couple of days to get used to it. It's made a huge difference having a feminine style and has definately enhanced my ability to pass. It did feel a little strange though. It felt like I had a wig on as it's had a similar effect. Putting the wig on was always the most important part of getting ready in the past as it was the thing which added the most transformation. I get the same feeling with my new hair style. I've booked in for a colour in a couple of weeks and I can't wait. I've changed my profile pic on facebook if you wanna see my new look.

Time To Build That Bridge

2011-02-23T23:01:00.001Z

I texted my brother yesterday. It didn't say a lot, just a couple of lines. I just put that I was wondering how he was and how his wife and my nephew was. Didn't get a reply which annoyed me somewhat. Just an acknowledgement of the text would have been enough. I know that I shouldn't care, should just get on with things. If he doesn't want me in his life then he shouldn't deserve to be in mine. The trouble is though that I do miss him. We were close once and I knew that my relationship with him would suffer. I don't know, maybe I care too much. The thing is that he could do anything and I'd still care about him or what happened to him. I'm going to carry on texting him, might even call him, in this mad (possibly futile) attempt to build bridges. At the end of the day either of us could die tomorrow and I'll be dammed if I'm the one feeling guilty stood at a graveside.

Old meets new

2011-02-21T22:59:00.001Z

I got a message on facebook from an old friend the other day. Apparently he and his wife (another old friend) are attending a wedding at the hotel where I work in may. I used to work with both of them a few years ago and haven't actually seen them since my leaving party nearly 3 years ago. He's invited me for a few drinks and a catchup and I'm nervously excited. You see, he represents my old life. Since I've been transitioning I've been eager to visit old people who knew me before but fear has stopped me. I'm desperate to revisit Spain but I'm really scared to. Silly really as all of my mates know about my transition via facebook or this blog. On the whole they've been great about it to. Let's be honest also that I'm a different person to the one I was, I've changed. I'm settling into my new life and I even pass for a female. I have nothing to worry about and maybe it's time my old life met my new one.

Checking The Levels

2011-02-17T13:00:00.001Z

Had some blood tests done this morning. These are quite important as they are the first bloods since I've been taking hormones. Depending on the results, it shouldn't be too long until testosterone blockers are introduced onto my medication. As far as I'm aware, this will take the form of a monthly implant.
I had another bout of laser on tuesday. I'm onto 8 weeks between appointments now which is much kinder on the pocket. Most of the hair is gone now, just patches remain. This does cause problems though as patches are more noticable (similar to spots). It's all for the greater good though and it's all leading up to the day I don't have to shave again. At the moment that's my biggest problem. The cleavage is developing, my voice is progressing, my feminine mannerisms are coming together. It's all a work in progress though. Genetic females have 10 years during which they grow to be ladies. I've had a constant period of about 8 months so I'm not doing too badly.

Cheap nights are a plus.

2011-02-13T01:28:00.001Z

Sat on the bus after a night out in Chesterfield. It was a friends 18th and so I got ready in work and finally met up with her at around 11:30pm. It was touch and go to be fair as I woke up this morning with what felt like a space hopper in my throat. I didn't want to let her down though although now (2 hours later) I'm ready for home. I definately can't do it like I used to. In my younger days when I worked in Spain, it was very rare to be going home and it still to be dark. As a young 22 year old you can do things like that. On the plus side, it's a cheap night these days. I've only spent a tenner and that was for the taxi in and the bus home.

I'm Back :-)) Have You Missed Me?

2011-02-11T23:53:00.001Z

Wow, it's been a while since my last post. Not sure why I've left it so long to be fair. I've not deserted this part of my life completelh as writting this blog has helped me so much over the last few years. I guess that now is a calm period though, calm when compared to the last 3 years. In truth that's fine by me. I need a nice quiet year. I'm 29 next month and I'm kinda scared to be honest. When you're young, the big 3-0 seems like a million years away. It seems like such an ancient age. I can remember being at school having teachers who were 30! To be a year away from reaching that age myself is scary to say the least. I'll be fine though and the pressies will soften the blow slightly lol. See I'm even using text speak, I'm not ready to be 29!

So what's new in the world of me? Well I've settled back into work and the life of a chef after the pre-christmas doubts. Transition wise, I've been on hormones 6 months now. Physically I've got a bit of breast growth and visable cleavage. (tbc)

2010-part 6

2010-12-31T01:49:00.001Z

.... importance of following through with your convictions. I'm definately happier than I was, definately more confident in myself. The thing to remember is that I'm a work in progress. I'm far from the finished article. I'm like a teenager in that I'm discovering my own look, learning about make-up, going through puberty. So what for 2011? It's all about living a normal life. I've had 3 years of craziness so who could blame me for wanting a nice peaceful year. I've got a few small plans but nothing major, I just want a normal year. Let's see if that's what I get lol.

2010-part 5

2010-12-31T01:33:00.001Z

The hormones started effecting me psychologically virtually straight away. I began to get upset at the slightest thing and I suffered from some pretty bad mood swings. The mood swings have since calmed down although the over sensitivity has stayed. Physically the effects have been slow but are now there to see. My skin is softer than it was before, my hair is thicker and more recently I've had noticable breast growth. Only 2 weeks ago my hormone intake was doubled which will hopefully mean that the effects will speed up a bit. 2010 has been a remarkable year in so many ways. I've begun a journey that I always dreamt about taking but that I didn't believe I ever would. A year ago I knew that this year would be special but I honestly didn't believe that I would be on hormones. I thought that I may be full-time but didn't think that I would be nearly 7 months into it. I've learnt so much this year about myself. I've discovered a bravery and courage that I didn't believe I had and I've realised the.....

2010-part 4

2010-12-30T22:15:00.001Z

I began to attend laser sessions to cut my beard growth down. I also began to build my wardrobe up and to get all the things I'd need to live as a female full-time. I originally decided on a November date but ended up going full-time on June 7th. 2010 will always be a massive year due simply to that date. I changed my name by deedpoll to Emma Victoria Jewkes and over the course of the following few weeks changed it with the relevant authorities. On the 10th June I started back at work as a female. I was so scared and nervous although I had no real need to be. Everyone has been so good about my transition. One thing that has always scared me regarding a possible sex change was the amount of time it takes. I've heard enough horror stories about the never ending waiting lists to last me a life time. My own experience with the GIC has been quite different though. On July 20th I was accepted onto the treatment program, a mere 6 months after getting referred! A month later on August 13th I started taking hormones.

2010-part 3

2010-12-29T00:35:00.001Z

I had contracted a throat infection and was put on anti-biotics. I have never felt so ill in all my life. The shingles made a return before the month was out too. January was the month when I got referred to Notts GIC and I'll never forget how I felt when I got the letter. I had my first appointment at the GIC on March 22nd. It was very much a waiting game at this time, waiting for the next appointments, the next event. I had my last night out as Paul back in February and I hated it. It reafirmed my belief in what I needed to do. I was now determined to go full-time sooner than later and set about making the preparations.

2010-part 2

2010-12-27T23:41:00.001Z

My year began as it ended, with the shingles. On New Years Eve I had arranged to go out with a couple of workmates into Chesterfield. As I was getting ready I discovered a strange rash on my side. I put it to the back of my mind as I had a couple of drinks in work and went out on the town. As nights out went, it wasn't the best. The drinks were overpriced, the entrance fees were extortinate and it took me ages to get a taxi home. On New Years Day I discovered that the rash was shingles and so after a visit to the doctors I went on medication. January was a strange month because while I spent most of it ill, It was also great in a few other ways. On the 21st I went out round my local town as Emma for the first time. It was a mates birthday and loads of work colleagues went. It was a great night and one I was determined to go on despite my poor health at the time. The shingles started to clear up so I went back to work. Just a few days later though I began to feel terrible.

2010-part 1

2010-12-27T12:47:00.001Z

2009 was a vintage year in my life and in many ways so was 2010. Everything that happened this year couldn't have happened though were it not for the events that happened during 2009. If that was the year that the roots of my life finally took hold then 2010 was the year during which the plant started to grow. To think that this time last year I hadn't even been referred to the GIC is truly staggering when you consider where I am now. Not everything this year has been ideal, I maybe went full-time 2 months too early, but doing it when I did has provided a steep learning curve. It was, at times, a case of sink or swim, and I'm comfident that I swam reasonably well.

Thining About Spain

2010-11-25T00:51:00.000Z

I started thinking about my time in Spain this afternoon. I was on the bus to work and had my Mp3 player in. You know how songs can get the memories flooding back, bring back times when you were happy or sad. They act as a soundtrack to your life, each song telling a different story. This particular song was Take it Easy by The Eagles. It reminded me of the last time I was in Spain two years ago. I did enjoy both times I spent in Spain, both eight month stints. They may have both ended quite badly (the first with me walking out of my job, the second with me nearly topping myself), but ultimately on the whole I had a great time there. I met some awesome people, people I'm still in touch with on Facebook. The lifestyle was famtastic with the great weather and the nights out. As life experiences I would definately have them again if I had my time over.

Thinking about La Manga Club got me kinda wishing I could go back, do one more Summer Season. Of course in reality it's impossible. They would have me back I have no doubt about that, but my transition kinda put's the kabosh on leaving the country for a prolonged period of time. My hormone therapy and regular GIC appointments mean that I need to stay put really. Plus the fact that I wouldn't be able to sunbathe or swim as well as other things. It is good to reminise though and maybe I'll pop over for a holiday next year who knows.

Need To Paint The Town

2010-11-23T21:42:00.000Z

I never really had a huge experience of life on 'the scene', a years worth really. It's not a lot when you think about it. My last foray into the TG scene was Julys Sparkle and although I enjoyed it, it didn't feel real. I was just a month into full-time then and needed reality, I needed something solid and normal. Sparkle is a great event but I think that it was too much for me then, seeing as I wanted to be seen as a genetic female. I needed to feel like a genetic female for personal assurance and although that is still the case, it was more important then in those early days. I think that the over the top nature of Sparkle may have put me off the scene. The truth of the matter is that Canal Street holds a special place in my heart as it's where I had my first night out as Emma nearly three years ago. I have had some great nights there and met some truly fantastic people.

Reading a blog by one of those people (also called Emma) brought back some great memories. I can remember the feelings of excitment as I boarded the lunchtime train into Manchester. I would time it so I had two or three hours to get ready in my room before going to the meeting place. An hour of that would be for make-up with the other two hours being for nails, hair-removal, getting dressed, etc. It was a massive task to get ready. I'd have to shave three times before plastering my face with a thick foundation! Even getting dressed was a huge thing as I'd truss myself up in a corset to give me a feminine figure and glue my breast forms to my chest. Wearing a wig also meant that I'd have to clip my hair up under a wig cap, spend time brushing it before putting it on and take time getting it straight on my head. I'd always catch my nails which would mean that I'd have to touch them up a million times (not exagerating). Of course all the work was worth it in the end. Nowadays I can be ready to leave the house in half-an-hour. I did used to enjoy the whole getting ready part of my nights out though, it was never a chore, all part of a relitively rare experience.

I think that part of my yearning for a night out on Canal Street is more a yearning for a night out in general. My last night out was July at Sparkle and the last one before that was in April. I do need a night out I think and hopefully with the festive period upon us, it will be sooner rather than later.

In other news I was at my grandmas tonight. Every Tuesday my younger sister and her two young boys come round for tea. My mum takes her home and en route she pops to see my grandma and if I'm off work, I go along. While there my grandma got a phone call and she mentioned that her daughter, two grandaughters and two great grandchildren were there. It made me smile, being refered to as her grandaughter.

Tender Nipples And Other Things

2010-11-21T00:45:00.000Z

My nipples are starting to hurt a bit. Not the start to a post you were expecting, I know, but it's a major point in my life so it had to be said. It's one of the first true physical effects of these hormones I've been taking for just over 14 weeks. Hopefully it means that there's some breast tissue developing under there. Psychologically I'm a hell of a lot more sensitive than I ever used to be. I've always been sensitive and this only seems to have magnified with each passing month. I'm alot more emotional than I used to be too (if that was possible). Watching anything sad on the telly is a killer these days. I watched Jacks funeral on Corronation Street the other day and was in tears, literally

In other news I'm well into my Open University course now. I got my first assignment back yesterday and got 70/100 which for a first assignment is really good. It's especially pleasing because the second part of the assignment involved analysing a painting which I found extremely difficult. My second assignment involves me responding to feedback on my first assignment and making it better. Should be fun.

Time To Remember

2010-11-20T00:53:00.000Z

Today marks the Transgender Day of Rememberance 2010. It's a day during which we can reflect and remember those who have lost their lives because of their transgender status. Victims violence just because they had the conviction to be who they really are or victims of suicide as a result of their gender issues. As I'm nearly half way through my sixth month of living as the person I really am, it's quite an important and solemn day for me. I may not have known Keittirat Longnawa from Thailand but her murder at the hands of 9 youths in January 2007 who beat her then slit her throat still means something. The murder of Moira Donaire less than 2 months later in Chile still means something even though I never met her. She was stabbed five times by a street vendor by the way. Ruby Rodriguez was strangled and left naked in the street in California the day after my 25th birthday and although I never read about it in the paper, it still means something. What about Maribelle Reyes who died of Aids on the 30th April 2007 in Texas. She had been refused treatment due to her transgender status and although I only found out tonight, it still means something. They are just the tiniest fraction of T-Girls who die because of who they are. It's only when these events are brought to light that I really count my blessings that I live in a largely tolerant society with loving parents and the best family. The fact that I work with such amazing people and am allowed to live my life in relative peace is something I am truly thankful for.

So how am I going to mark The Transgender Day Of Rememberance? I'm going to reflect and give thanks for my life, because as this day shows, it could all end tomorrow.

Interviews Make It Real

2010-11-09T01:22:00.001Z

I've been applying to a few different places as I begin my search for a change of career. I got a call back from one this morning and had a phone interview. The hours are good, decent bonus structure, free gym membership, every sunday off. I guess that there are alot of perks you just don't get in the catering trade. I've also got two interviews in Nottingham tomorrow. The good thing is that I made my tg status clear in applying for these jobs and still got interviews. Maybe being tg will give me a small advantage as by employing me it'll look good for their equal opportunities, or maybe that's wishful thinking lol. Realising that I'm making a clean break and possibly getting out of the kitchen is great though. No more burns or cuts. No more smelling of grease and sweat. No more working Christmas. Working better hours will also help with my OU course and book which is part of the reason I'm tired with the hours. Maybe this year I can look forward to christmas too instead of dreading it.

A change in career

2010-11-03T00:31:00.001Z

I've been getting a bit disillusioned in work lately. It's not the job as such or the people I work with. I guess that it's the hours more than anything. I'm tired of working evenings and weekends and xmas. I'm also not enjoying the sweating behind a hot stove part. It would be nice to wear nice clothes (or at least more feminine) and nice makeup in work. I have enjoyed being a chef but that's been more down to the people I've met through it more than anything. I just kind of need a new challenge and a fresh start away from the sweat of the kitchen. I'm not going to do anything rash and realise that I'll have to take a wage drop if I change career. I guess that if recent life experiences have taught me anything though it's that to be happy in life you have to take the odd leap of faith.

Still Young, Just Not 16

2010-10-12T22:24:00.000+01:00

Lately I've been feeling abit like a juggler with two many balls (in more ways than one lol). I seem to have so much to do and handle at the moment that I reached a point last week when I began to wonder if I could do it all. I'm a full-time Chef, I'm doing an OU course, I'm writting a book, I'm in the midst of an intense voice coaching course and I've entered a book writting competition to name just a few of the things I'm currently involved in. I guess it's no wonder that I'm feeling the presure. At the moment the book and the voice coaching practice are having to take a back seat much to my annoyance.

The voice coaching is going very well to be fair. Every week she gives us practice work sheets which involves alot of breathing exercises and noise making. Unfortunately though my practice is limited as after a 12 hour shift at work I just want to relax in front of Corronation Street. I am doing ok though to be fair and the course is well worth doing.

Yesterday I went and I was half an hour early. While I was waiting I got chatting to the mother of a girl who had her 2nd appointment. She was only 16 (the girl not the mother) and her mother was unbelievaly supportive. She was also annoyed about the lack of Clinics to deal with Gender Identity Disphoria. She said that if a child was born with out a limb then they would have a massive amount of support. In her eyes people suffering from GID should get a similar level of support. Seeing her 16 year old 'daughter' opened my eyes a liitle though. Despite being 28 I'm still relitively young to be going through the transition process. The amount of people going through it who I've met have tended to be in their 40's - 50's. The fact that I'm the youngest by 13 years on this voice coaching course says a lot. Meeting these older transitionees means that I get alot of 'You're so lucky to be doing it at your age' and meeting this 16 year old put me in a bit of a jealous position. If all goes to plan for her then she'll have had the op and everything by the time she's 20. Being so young also means that her facial hair won't be a massive issue and the hormones will work alot better. I know that I'm still young and that I'm so lucky to be doing it now, but I couldn't help but wish that I'd known at 16 that I needed to do this. It would've saved me 11 years of my life.

Hey oh, onwards and upwards though. I'm still in my 20's, the lasers working well, I'm 4 months into the RLE and 9 weeks into Hormones. My life is pretty good and I have a hell of a lot to be thankful for, a mssive amount to be thankful for.

Yesterday I also had an appointment with Dr Bouman at the GID. It was mainly to discuss how the hormones are going and how life is in general. I have to see him again on 13th December when the hormones will be increased, just in time for Christmas.

Time For Another Prescription

2010-10-04T20:22:00.000+01:00

Today I had my 5th session of voice coaching. It's really intense and doesn't half tire me out. It's 1 1/2 hours of making funny noises and breathing so it's quite suprising how tiring it is. What it has been good for is for making me focus on things I can change regarding my voice. I can talk in a higher and softer pitch and it's just about training my muscles to make it easier. The main problem I find is that in work I have to shout alot and when I shout I tend to go back into a growl and kinda forget my situation. It'll all get easier though and the sessions are proving to be very useful.

Today it was also time to pick my 3rd prescription of Hormones up from the chemist. Each box lasts me 4 weeks and picking up a fresh box of these little pills is something I look forward to immensley. The fact that they only cost me £7 a prescription is awesome considering what they will hopefully do.

The Generosity Of Strangers And The Creepiness Of Others

2010-10-03T16:23:00.000+01:00

So on Thursday I'll be celebrating 4 months of living as a female full-time. Wow it's gone so slow. Well slow is perhaps the wrong word as that would indicate that it has dragged. I just can't remember living as a guy, which considering I lived as a guy for 28 years and 3 months may sound strange. I think that it's a sign that I've fully settled into my new life.

It has taken time to settle, but settle I have and I think that the signs are there to prove this. I'm more accepted as a female in more and more situations. I get called Sweetheart and darling by the bus drivers and shop assistants. The sideways glances and double takes are very rare now and it's been nearly 3 months since I had any trouble of any kind. I even got chatted up at the bus stop a couple of weeks ago.

One of the main things I've noticed is that people are a lot more kinder and more willing to talk to me that they ever did before. People let me go in front of them at the bus queue and actually take time to talk to me. If there's no more seats left on the bus then more often than not someone will offer me theirs. To some people this may seem kinda trivial but for me it's huge. It's like I've been promoted and now I'm enjoying the perks that come with my new position.

Being a female isn't all good though as I've found on the odd occasion. I find that I'm more scared when walking at night on my own. That might just be down to my trans status though. The unwanted attention is another down side. The guy who chatted me up at the bus stop was a nice enough fellow but he was also a little creepy. He actually asked for my number although I didn't give it to him. I'm not ready for any kind of relationship at the moment and definately not one with a random stranger I meet at the bus stop on a dark night.

More Organised But I've Got The Plague!

2010-09-28T19:19:00.000+01:00

I've started my Christmas shopping. It's the earliest I've ever started it but to be fair it is for the best. In November I start paying my Open University fees so I kinda needed to get ahead and organised. Had this been a year ago I doubt that getting organised like this would've been top of my priorities. I guess that it's just another sign that I'm a changed person in more ways than one. I'm paying my bills on time every month, managing my money better than I've ever done and being pro-active about the future. I'm still managing to 'treat' myself every month but rather than splurging on DVD's and PS3 games I have a clothing budget. Clothes were always way down the list before but now they are firmly on top.

The speech therapy is going okay. It's not what I thought it would be but it's giving me a bit more confidence. It's also teaching me that a more feminine voice is there, I just need to start using it more. She conpared it to driving a car which to me is a perfect comparrison. The more I do it, the more natural it'll become.

I'm suffering from a cold at the moment which is proving to be a bit of a pain. Not only am I suffering physically having to blow my nose every 5 minutes is playing havoc with my make-up. Under my nose, the hair is still quite bad. It's coverable with foundation, but when I blow my nose, I'm having to be extremely careful that I don't wipe the foundation off too.

From Cleopatra to Marlowe

2010-09-25T20:44:00.000+01:00

I've been off all this week which has meant that I've been able to get a good head start on my Open University course. The course is a foundation course in the arts so it encompasses many different aspects. The first part of the course that I'm doing now is all about Reputations and takes in History, English literature, Art and Music. The first assignment is split into 2 parts and the first part (about Cleopatra and her love for Marc Antony) is virtually done. The 2nd part is about a painting by Cezanne, although I don't start that until the week after next.

The next part of the course means that I have to read Dr Faustus a play written by Christoper Marlowe, a 16th century playwright. From what I can gather, the play is about a man called Dr Faustus. He sells his soul to the devil for 24 years of power and pleasure. Apparently the film bedazzled was based on it. It's from the same period as Shakespeare so it's not the easiest thing in the world to read.

Today I went into Mansfield. I have to go into Mansfield every 4 weeks for my Laser sessions, but never on a Saturday lunchtime. I decided to get a bit of Christmas shopping done and also needed to get my eyebrows done. I went to a place near to where I get my laser done and it was very reasonable. It only cost £6 and they did an excellent job. I really need to get on top of them myself though as they'd gotten quite bad. All in all it was a very successful trip. I have never really experienced much in the way of transphobia, not even before I went full-time. I've had one or two bad experiences but nothing compared with what I expected to get. I do count my blessings for that, I promise.

A Student Again

2010-09-18T22:15:00.000+01:00

I got a rather large parcel through the post the other day. I don't get many parcels so it took me a bit by suprise to be honest. It was my Open University Course Materials. Yes I've enrolled onto the Open University. The course I've opted for is a starter course and covers a lot of different subjects. It's called The Arts Past And Present and covers Art History, Classical Studies, English, History (including History of Science, Technology and Medicine), Music, Philosophy and Religious Studies. It looks a really interesting course and I honestly can't wait to get started.

I'm off next week and although the official start date of the course isn't until the 1st week of October, I'm getting ahead. Getting ahead will be a good thing as I work full-time and won't beable to devote as much time as I'd like to studying. It's giving me something to aim for and is maybe the purpose I needed.

So what do I hope to achieve after this course? Well a pass would be nice lol. I'm not entirely sure to be honest but I'd like to do something regarding history and that maybe the next step should I manage this course. I've not studied since I left school 12 years ago so it will take some getting used to. Hopefully this course will help me to do that.

Music, Football And Other Things

2010-09-14T23:43:00.000+01:00

Music has always played a big part in my life. For as long as I can remember I've always owned some form of portable muic player. I can remember doing my paper round when I was 11 years old, my favourite tapes playing on my walkman. Then later on I got a personal CD player and now I have a MP3 player. All signs of the progression of technology, the music worlds version of the ape to modern man poster. I have always loved my music though and I'm lucky in the range of my musical tastes. I've always been a fan of Meat Loaf and Queen and I also like the Beatles, Buddy Holly, Frank Sinatra, true greats of the music world. As a man, my music tastes made me a little ashamed though. I was a pretty big fan of the Spice Girls and even went to see them in the autumn of '98 at the Don Valley Stadium in Sheffield. I've also always liked my ballads and proper love songs, not your typical male tastes. Of course now I'm transitioning and living a female life I'm not ashamed of the fact that I downloaded JLS's album the other day, or the fact that my MP3 player has Cheryl Coles album on it as well as Leona Lewis.

The fact that I no longer need to feel ashamed of what's on my MP3 player is just one of the changes that I've noticed recently. Another change is in regards to football. I've always been an avid Manchester United fan. If they lost it used to effect me for days. Nowadays though I'm not that interested. Don't get me wrong, I still love them and will still follow them. It's just no longer that important if they lose. I may be just disillusioned by recent player scandals that's all, although I do think that living as a female has a great deal to do with it.

We found out what killed my auntie over the weekend. It was a Brain Haemorage and apparently it could have happened anytime, anyplace. It will have been quick and she wouldn't have known anything about it at least. If there is a blessing to be found in all of this, then that is it. It is quite a sobering thought though and reafirms how fragile life really is. Without warning, it can be taken away and thats as good a reason as any for cherishing our time in this world.

An Untimely Shock

2010-09-10T16:43:00.000+01:00

On Wednesday night I got home from work to the extremely bad news that my Auntie Janet had died. It was possibly the last thing I was expecting to hear. Her son in law had found her in bed in the morning and it looks like she died in the night. If she did die in her sleep then that at least is a blessing. It was a huge shock though because to my knowledge she was healthy and fit and wasn't even that old.

Some people you expect to go on forever and my auntie was definately one of those people. In truth I hadn't seen an awful lot of her in the last 10 years, mainly just at weddings and funerals, but as a youngster I used to see her fairly often. I can remember our grandma taking us to see her on a saturday afternoon back when my Uncle was still alive. I used to love her garden which was huge so plenty of room for playing and running. I guess that since my Uncle passed away and we got older the opportunities to see her dried up to special functions. It's what happens sometimes although I sincerely hope it doesn't happen with me and my nephews and neices.

The feeling that there would always be another time to see her was always there. The truth is that no one goes on forever and we just have to do the best with the time given to us. If my Aunties untimely and shocking death shows anything it shows that life is a cruel and unpredictable thing and that mortality is but a sliver of light in an eternal darkness.

Rest In Peace Auntie Janet, We'll see you soon x

2010-09-07T20:52:00.000+01:00

This is my second post of today, the reason being that it is an extremely special day. Today is my 3 month anniversary of going full-time as Emma. The strange thing is that it feels like a lot longer than 3 months. In the grand scheme of things 3 months is absolutely nothing, a drop in the ocean. Normally 3 months flys by without a seconds thought, but this past 3 months has gone really slowly. It feels like I've been living as a woman for years and I can quite honestly say that I can't imagine living as a man. I can't imagine having short hair or having a beard (both of which I used to have). I can't imagine not wearing nail varnish on a regular basis or putting my make-up on of a morning. I can't imagine wearing the dowdy male clothes I used to wear wearing shoes with laces.

The truth of the matter is that this past 3 months have been the happiest 3 months of my life. Well I mean that I've been happier in myself than I've ever been. I'm more confident than I ever was as a man. As a man I always felt that I was being watched and stared at, I didn't feel comfortable in society. As a woman I feel the opposite. I feel part of the world and like I fit in. Going full-time was the best thing I have ever done and it's given me real hope for the future. Heres to the next 45 years :-)

Learning To Shout

2010-09-07T12:33:00.000+01:00

So yesterday I had my first Voice Coaching session. I'm on an eight week course so every Monday afternoon for the next seven weeks I'll have to take myself to Nottingham GIC. It's on the NHS so I may as well take it. To be fair my voice isn't overly masculine anyway. It's just that in my job I'm required to shout quite a lot and that's when I feel I have problems. If I can learn to shout loud while still keeping a feminine voice then I'll be happy.

It wasn't what I was expecting to be honest. I was the youngest by about fifteen years in our group of six. We were all transgendered people all at different stages of our journey. The oldest in the group was a lady called Ange who was 61. She'd just come back from Thailand after having SRS there. It just goes to show that it's never too late. The fact that I should be having SRS just after my 30th birthday proves that it's never too early also.

There were alot of breathing exercises involved with the first session and also alot of work dealing with the facial muscles. I've even got homework. It's basically just the exercises that I have to practice everyday. I really hope that it's all worth it. There wss alot of group interaction too which involved speaking in front of everybody while they listened. Things like that terrify me, they really do, ao it took a lot of guts on my part.

My Crazy Imagination Let Loose

2010-09-03T21:46:00.000+01:00

I mentioned in a comment on my last post that I'd like to do something regarding writing. Writing has always played a big part in my life. When I was young I used to spend a lot of my spare time writing stories and scripts. I actually wrote Jurassic Park 3 a few years before they decided to make a third film. The script that I wrote actually bore many similarities to the film that ended up on screen. I had a Plane land on the island in mine with a dinosaur destroying it and also brought Alan Grant back, all of which happened in the film. Spooky eh!

Anyway I have always enjoyed writing and using my imagination. If I had the patience I could write a novel a day with all the strange things I think of. I just need to work on my patience that's all. With no PS3 to distract me, my concentration is definately improving. In the last couple of days I've gone on writing overdrive! I've begun writing 4 different things.

1) I've continued with my novel based on this blog. I know what format it's going to take which is similar to that of The Damned Utd.

2)I've begun writing Lost from the point of view of another survivor we never saw on screen. More specifically a layabout southener in the mould of Les Battersby. It's writen in diary format and I'm quite proud of it to be honest.

3) I've started writing a short story staring some of our best loved television characters. Basically it's writen from the point of view of a Nick Fury type character. He's trying to put a team together (like The Justice League), but all the superheroes are busy so he's left with the Del Boy(Only Fools), Frank Spencer(Some Mothers Do Ave Em), Frank Gallagher(Shameless), Baldrick(BlackAdder), Gareth(The Office), Captain Mainwaring(Dads Army) and Dougal(Father Ted). The story centres around Nick Furys attempts to get the team together.

4)Lastly I've begun a script that's set in an old peoples home. It's not any old peoples home though, its a home for retired superheroes and centres around Superman and Batman trying to out do each other. The scene that I've started sees Superman annoy Batman by taking the mick that Adam West played him in the tv series while Batman argues that while he was played by George Clooney in the movie, Superman was played by a cripple.

Basically I've just been letting my imagination run wild and instead of just leaving it I've been getting it down on here. As you can see from the above examples, I am perhaps verging on insanity lol. My teachers did use to say that I had my head up in the clouds lol. I've joined a writing website called http://www.greatwriting.co.uk/ and I've also started another blog that I'm going to use to showcase a few of my crazy stories, scripts and poems. The address for that is http://the-word-processor.blogspot.com/. Please add it to your favourites.

Time To Better One-Self

2010-09-01T00:25:00.000+01:00

Back in the summer of 1998 I took my GCSE exams. The summer of 1998 was also the time that I dressed in womens clothes for the first time. As you can imagine then, this was a hugely confusing time for me. I had so much running around inside my head that something had to give. Unfortunately it was my GCSE's and my eventual results were not good. They weren't terrible, just not good. I'm not trying to make excuses for my poor exam results, but I definately feel that my gender confusion did not help me one bit.

I would have loved to have gotten good results and to have maybe gone on to do A levels and maybe even university. My life would have been so different. I certainly wouldn't be a Chef. It's not that I hate being a chef, I do quite enjoy it. I don't love it though, or have a passion for it. I'm actually quite good at it too and I think that that's why I'm comfortable doing it. It's what I know and what I've spent the past 11 years doing. The truth is that I'm scared of spending the next 40 years in a kitchen stuck behind a set of hot lamps. I honestly don't regret my carear so far. I've met some great people, had some unbelievable times and made some very good friends. I've done things that I wouldn't have done had I not been a chef and I have memories that I'll treasure for life. I just need another option, another string to my bow. I need that escape route I guess.

Doing my GCSE's again and maybe even getting some A-Levels under my belt is something that I'm definately giving serious thought to. I've even had a look at the Open University. What I'm looking to achieve, I'm not entirely sure. I'm going to continue researching and look into it in the next few months.

Another Reminise

2010-08-30T13:22:00.000+01:00

There was a thread on the Angels Forum website this morning that made me reminise a little bit. It was about a girls first time out on Saturday. She'd gone shopping with her mum and had had a very good day by all accounts. It made me think about my first time out as Emma, way back on 19th March 2008. It's only 2 1/2 years ago but it seems like a life time ago. I can still remember how nervous I felt in that hotel room, terrified of stepping out onto the Manchester street.

That first night out is a marker on my life. It's a night that I'll always treasure and is right up there with the best moments of my life. I guess that it was one of the first biggest moments of my life, with many more huge events to follow. Did I know or even think that I'd be in the position I am now? I don't think so. Then I was just following the transvestites path, wanting to live as a female full-time but not believing it would ever be possible.

Winter Clothes

2010-08-30T02:38:00.000+01:00

As Paul my wardrobe never really changed a lot. I tended to go for Jeans with a jumper in winter or jeans with a t-shirt in summer. I never really thought about winter clothes and infact I used to despise clothes shopping. Why should I spend money on clothing when I could buy another PS3 game or update my DVD collection. Nowadays I'm different, whay different. I love clothes shopping so much. I've actually had to place a restriction on myself and work to a monthly clothes budget, something I've never done before.

My DVD shopping has definately suffered as a result of my transition. I can't remember the last time I brought a DVD. Tell a lie, I pre-ordered season 6 of Lost last night, but that'll be likely my last DVD purchase this month.

Like I said before, my male wardrobe was pretty much the same no matter what the season was. Now I'm living as a female, I've started to think about the different seasons and with Winter looming in a couple of months, I've started thinking about my winter wardrobe. I've actually used this months clothing budget on clothes that'll be suitable in the colder months.

All In The Mind, For Now

2010-08-28T00:16:00.000+01:00

Nearly a week since my last update I know. I guess that things are pretty normal now so I have to think of things to write. The bus journey into work helps with that, the trouble is that I have a memory like a sieve with a big hole in it! I might invest in a handbag size note book so I can jot down the ideas as they come to me. It's certainly an idea.

As I said, things are pretty normal at the moment. I'm taking the little pills twice daily still and I'm as paranoid about the effects as I have been since I started them. Paranoid might be the wrong term. It's just that I keep looking for effects, the curse of knowing what they are I guess. I was sure that I noticed a touch of breast growth earlier today, although after 2 weeks I doubt that that's started yet. More than likely it's down to the extra eating I've been doing over the past week. My bigger appetite is something that I can put down to the hormones. I'm not eating a massive amount, it's just that I've found myself getting hungrier quicker. When you work in a kitchen with loads of food to nibble, it's so easy to pile on the pounds. I'm trying not to nibble though and head towards the fruit for a snack rather than the chips.

Another effect that I've noticed is that my skin seems to be getting softer. That agian is possibly more likely to be me thinking it's getting softer. I really don't think that 2 weeks is long enough for the physical effects, especially on the low dose I'm on. After a month or two I can start looking for the softer skin and breast growth, now I'll make do with the appetite, mood swings and over emotion.

You're Only The Gender Of The Person You Feel Inside :-)

2010-08-21T23:00:00.000+01:00

Day 10 on hormones, yay. The routine of taking the little magic pill is firmly set now. Every 12 hours at 12:00 am and pm. It's a routine that works. I'm actually sleeping better than I did before I began taking them too, although I'm sure that that's down to the lack of worry more than anything. Now I'm past the initial assessment phase of the 'TG Journey' my worry about whether I'll move on has lessened somewhat. I'm kinda sure now that the weeks of emptiness I felt after my final initial assessment appointment was down to no worry more than anything. I'm that used to having stuff to worry and panic about that having nothing real to be concerned about was bound to leave a hole.

The mood swings have calmed down a little bit too, although I think that tiredness (I had 1 day off work in the last 2 1/2 weeks) played some part in these mood swings. Emotionally I'm definately more easily upset than I was before beginning hormones, although I've always been a sensitive soul.

Inside I actually feel more of a girl than I have ever done, but I'm not sure if that's down to the hormones. Maybe it's due to the fact that living a female life is the norm for me now. On Monday I'll be 9 weeks into living full-time. It's crazy because it seems a lot longer than that. It's gone fast, but I honestly couldn't imagine not putting my make-up on in a morning, or picking out my days jewellry. The male existance I lived for 28 years is a million miles away from the life I've lived for 9 glorious weeks.

Like A Teenager Again

2010-08-18T12:52:00.000+01:00

Today is my 7th day on Hormones. It still seems kinda strange to be taking pills when I'm not ill, but I'm getting used to it. It's getting to be part of my daily routine, which is good.

I've had no physical effects as of yet, not noticable anyway. I've found myself looking for things though. I'd check my skin to see if it's softer than the day before and I keep looking at my chest to see for any signs of breast growth. It's stupid really because any physical changes will take time. A lot longer than a week anyway.

I have been experiencing tiredness though, although I've only had 1 day off in the last 14 so that won't be helping. The mood swings could maybe be put down to that as well. The truth of the matter though is that there are strange hormones being introduced to my system and my body isn't used to them. There's bound to be a bit of strangeness in my emotional state. I'll be ok though, I'm sure. In effect I'm going through puberty again, all be it from the womans point of view. I'm like a teenager again, just wish I was in age lol.

300 Posts Down

2010-08-16T16:45:00.000+01:00

Back in March 2008 I began this blog. I was a chef working in a hotel in Bakewell having just had my first outing as Emma. Since then I've spent 10 months working in Spain, had a couple of suicidal experiences, come out to everybody, had 10 months worth of Therapy, been refereed to Notts GIC, began living full-time as Emma and been accepted onto the NHS treatment program. Oh and 5 days ago I started on hormones. The reason I mention these things is because I have written in excess of 300 posts about it. When I wrote that very first post I wasn't exactly sure where I'd be now. I definately didn't think I'd be living as a female full-time, let alone be on hormones. It was all just a pipe-dream I guess.

For me, this blog can be split into 2 parts. The first part ended in October last year when I came out to my freinds and workmates about my gender issues. That's when I truly accepted myself and realised what I had to do. Had I had no imaginings of going full-time then I wouldn't have told everybody about my TG status. I always said that until people needed to know then I wouldn't tell them. By telling people outside the family, I finally accepted my future.

So what can you look forward to reading about in the next 300 posts? Well theres the effects the hormones are going to have. Theres the constant learning I'm doing about living as a female in modern society. There may even be the operation in 2 years time, although that may come in the 600 to 900 post mark depending on how much writing I do lol.

Crying At The Telly Like A Girl

2010-08-14T23:27:00.000+01:00

So three days on hormones and already I've noticed a change or two. I've not experienced any physical changes yet, those will take time. I have noticed a change in my emotions though. I've always been an emotional person being a pisces, but the last couple of days has seen me nearly cry at the most pathetic of things. I was watching Big Brother on friday night and John James had a go at Sammy Pepper making him cry. I realised that my own eyes were rapidly filling up. I had to really work hard to stop myself crying. In tonights edition of the show they made up and again I very nearly burst into tears! I don't know whether it's a psychological thing as surely these tiny pills can't be working that quickly, can they?

At the end of the day I'm putting female hormones into my system and my body isn't used to them. There's bound to be one or two knock on effects due to the chemical reactions. It's just taken me a bit by suprise that's all.

Being on hormones feels kinda strange because it still doesn't seem real. Living as a female is completely normal to me now, I honestly couldn't live any other way. I've settled into my routines and I'm more comfortable and confident in myself than I've ever been. Now I'm taking pills to change my body, it doesn't seem real somehow. I guess that I'll believe things when I see them. When I start to develop breasts and my body hair noticably decreases, then I'll believe it lol.

So It Begins!

2010-08-13T01:20:00.000+01:00

So this morning I popped across to the Dr's surgery to pick up my first prescription for feminising hormones. There wasn't a problem and I popped down to the local pharmacy to 'cash in' my prescription. I've been precribed 56 ESTRADIOL VALERATE 1MG TABLETS, which is enough to last for 4 weeks. The prescription fee was only £7.20 and at 12 pm sharp I took my first Hormone pill. I'm on 2 a day and they are tiny. It's hard to believe that these tiny little pills are capable of changing my body. For some reason I was expecting tablets the size of a hockey puck lol.

So how do I feel? Well I felt a little emotional earlier, but I'm putting that down to tiredness more than anything. My emotions are going to be effected by these hormone tablets, but I doubt that 1 pill would have had a big effect. To be honest, I was counting down the hours until I took my 2nd pill at midnight and I expect I'll be the same tomorrow before mid-day. Soon, it'll just become part of the routine of everyday life, taking these little pills. I've taken a photo this morning before I began taking the pills and I'm going to take another one in a months time, build up a bit of a picture diary of my transition.

The Last Day Of Chemical Maleness

2010-08-12T00:09:00.000+01:00

Well tomorrow morning I collect my prescription from my doctors surgery and at 12pm sharp I'll officially begin Hormone Therepy. I am supposed to take 2 tablets a day so I've decided on Noon and Midnight. Mainly because they are 2 points in the day that I always see lol. It's also because Noon and Midnight are 2 landmark points in the day.

It's weird but I've been waiting for tomorrow for such a long time that I've kinda lost a bit of a apark now that it's happening. The thing that's kept me motivated for most of my life is hoping that one day I'd be female. Beginning hormone therapy means that that dream will one day be achieved and because of that my 'dream' isn't a dream anymore, it's reality. So you could say that I don't have a dream anymore and everyone needs a dream. I've realised that thats why I felt so strange after my 3rd GIC appointment.

This is what I want and in myself, I'm happier than I have ever been. I need a dream though, I need something to hope for, to keep me motivated. Looking forward to hormones and the effects that taking those pills will achieve should be enough motivation and it is in it's own way. I just need another dream, another hopeless hope.

The Prescription

2010-08-10T12:03:00.000+01:00

Today I recieved the letter from the GIC regarding the prescription of feminsing hormones. I'm going to be started off on 1mg Oestradiol Valerate twice a day. My GP recieved the same letter and my first prescription will be available for me to collect on Thursday morning. I guess that this is it now, on Friday I will begin taking those magic pills. I'm not sure what I feel about it to be honest. I'm really looking forward to reaping the rewards that taking the hormones will give me, although I know that it could be 6 months before I notice any physical changes. The sooner I start taking them though, the sooner that first 6 months will be over.

It's going to be a gradual thing as I'm starting on the smallest possible doseage. The Oestradiol will be gradually increased until a level of 500-700pmol/L is reached. With the increase in female hormones, my testosterone should decrease, although injections of Goserelin (an anti androgen) will be considered should this not be the case.

When I was younger I always dreamed of taking that magic pill. The pill that would turn me into a girl as I slept. These hormone tablets are the next best thing in my opinion. I feel like I'm within touching distance of achieving my dream, of being a woman.

Hormone Therapy Here We Come!

2010-08-09T19:16:00.000+01:00

Today I went back to the GIC for another appointment. I was told about the risks of taking hormones, the main one of which is DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis). It worried me somewhat when I saw the word 'death' on the consent form lol. In all fairness though they have to list the most extremest of side effects to cover their backs. At the end of the day there are risks involved in getting up in the morning so what ever risks there are involved in Hormone Therapy aren't really concerning me. The leaflet that comes with a box of Asprin has a great long list of side effects for crying out loud. With the right monitoring and dosage I'll be fine I'm sure.

I also recieved the results of my blood tests that I had done 2 weeks ago. Apparently my Liver and Kidney functions are really good as is my Cholestral. I was a little suprised by this as I enjoy a drink. I went through a period between 2003 and 2008 where I became quite a heavy drinker. I was never a binge drinker or alcoholic but I did enjoy a drink more than most. I've also enjoyed my fried food over the years. My white cell count is low as is my pottasium but although it will require monitoring it's not something that will effect the prescription of Hormones greatly.

So what now? Well Dr Bouman is going to write to my GP tonight regarding prescribing hormones. If it's as quick as the last letter, he should recieve it by Wednesday. Then I should be prescribed my first lot of feminising hormones, hopefully by the weekend, realistically early next week.

The Name Thing

2010-08-08T12:23:00.000+01:00

My next appointment at Nottingham GIC is tomorrow. I'm not as nervous as I was last time, but I'm still more fidgety than normal. This appointment is essentially just a chat about the effects and risks of Hormone Therapy with Dr Bouman. I'll also have to sign a consent form. I had my bloods taken two weeks ago and so hopefully I should be on hormones within the next month. The trouble is that the negativity is showing itself again and I've found myself expecting the worst. What if they find a rare blood disorder that means that I can't take hormones? What if they took the wrong bloods? What if they made a mistake and got my file mixed with up with someone elses? I've no doubt that everything will be fine, but still, I can't help but feel that I've had too easy a path recently.

The name thing is getting better. I hardly get called Paul at work now and I even get called by more female names (sweetheart, love, duck, darlin) than I did before. At home I get called Paul far more than I would like. I know that my parents are trying but everytime I get called Paul or him it hurts a bit inside and brings me down. I've been full-time for 2 months now and had my name changed for as long too. Most of my mail comes under my new name too. I keep telling myself to be hard about it all and to refuse to answer to male names now. I think that it's within my right to do so, but I'm not that hard a person. I just want to keep the peace however much it hurts inside.

The Routine That Is Anything But

2010-08-05T12:46:00.000+01:00

One of my main concerns before I went full-time was the extra work to get ready in a morning. I don't get home from work until 11:15 pm and if I'm on a split shift the next morning I have to be leaving by 9:00 am. After a long day at work, I'm not the kind of person who can just drop to sleep, I need a couple of hours to wind down, so I'm normally looking to go to sleep at about 1:00 am. Before full-time this wasn't a problem as I'd get up at 9:40 am and be ready to leave the house by 9:00 am. The extra work involved in getting ready as a female was pretty daunting and I fully expected to have to get up at 7:00 am. This was mainly because, if I was going out as Emma before I went full-time, I averaged a total of 2 hours to get ready. This involved a very close shave, wig, a lot of heavy make-up, shapewear, making a cleavage, etc. Now I'm full-time though the routine has changed alot.

I no longer wear a wig, need to wet shave, wear shape wear, worry massivley about a cleavage, etc. I've kinda stripped it down somewhat. I do shave, but only with my electric. I only tend to get patches of stubble in a morning now and my electric does fine. I was my hair every other day and I have to hairdry it nowadays because it is getting quite long. When I first went full-time I had a few goes with mousse to try and style it a bit. I don't really bother now, preferring to go with a hairband and maybe a couple of slides. I do give it a quick spray of hair spray though. My make-up has been scaled down too and takes me about 10 minutes now. I moisturise, then I use a cream foundation from Rimmel. It's the 24 hr Superstay and although it has no chance of staying put for 24 hours, it gives decent coverage. I set that with a non-transferable powder. I use brown and cream eye-shadow and some Rose Tinted Vaseline on my lips. I have to top my make-up up halfway through the day, but that's only to be expected.

It's a routine that works really well for me and is one I actually enjoy. I did think that the everyday chore of applying make-up would get monotonous, but so far it hasn't. I have also found that I like mirrors now, something I never did while living as a guy. I always carry one around with me in my pocket at work, and I've found myself adjusting my hair using the glass fronted oven doors as mirrors.

The big improvement in me having gone full-time is that I like myself and that in turn has meant that my personal hygiene and appearence has improved dramatically.

Laser and the Onset of Winter

2010-08-04T18:21:00.000+01:00

Had another bout of Laser on my beard area this afternoon. It was my 6th session and the effects are getting better each trip. To be honest I was pretty anxious about todays session. The last one had really hurt and perhaps had been my most painful experience having laser. I hadn't forgotten it and so today I was expecting much of the same. I was wrong though. It was painful, but not as bad as I'd expected by far. The pain was intermitant though as the ever decreasing airs got zapped.

Before I went I wet shaved for the first time in 4 weeks, which is testament to how good the laser is going. The fact that I'm full-time and not wet shaving everyday seemed like the stuff of dreams only a short time ago. I do shave, but only with an electric. That just gets rid of the morning fuzz, and generally lasts me all day, with plenty of make-up.

While I was out I brought a new pair of shoes and a new coat. The shoes are flat sandles and will go great with the leggings I often wear. The coat is black and I'd half a mind on winter when I brought it. To be honest, most of my recent clothes purchases have been made with winter in mind. I'm quite looking forward to the colder weather to be fair, for the chance to really wrap up.

The Worth Of Pain

2010-08-04T09:08:00.000+01:00

Another bout of Laser in store today. I can't deny the effects really, but the pain is getting slightly annoying. The first 2 or 3 times were quite weird in that I found myself forgetting how painful it actually is. Now though I remember and that means that I'm not particularly looking forward to it. It's one of those things that must be done though and so I'll do it. It amazes me sometimes, the pain and discomfort that we as a Transgender community put ourselves through. Not just those of us going through the sex-change process, but those of us who dress as a hobby or realease.

I can still remember trying to force my size 9 feet into a small size 8 shoe. Infact the memories of the foot pain I experienced on my first night out are still fresh. They were a size 9 shoe, but I just wasn't used to walking in heels. Things like hair removal such as waxing or epilating are more painful for men. The thickness of male body hair is something to do with this, I'm sure. Then there's the laser which a lot of Transvestites do to make dressing easier, not to mention the tight corsets they often wear to give them the female figure they desire.

Heading towards my own transition, I'll have to have an injection every 4 weeks. I'm pretty sure that this is to block my testosterone, which begs the question of where the injection will be. As the testicles produce the testosterone, my imagination is in over drive and I dearly hope I wrong in thinking that I'm going to have a needle stuck in my testicles every 4 weeks! Then there's the operation itself in 2 years time! Need I say more? Before then there's more laser and electrolysis. Which involves a bolt of electricity being delivered down the hair folicle to destroy it. The Hair is then pulled out individualy (correct me if I wrong).

The pain and discomfort is my main argument for why I know that this is right. Why the hell would anyone go through all that if they didn't feel that it would be worth it in the end?

The Bad Support

2010-08-03T01:25:00.000+01:00

I've been a member of a couple of support websites for a few years now. Roses Forum is one I joined when I was 21. It offered me a view into a reality that I never realised existed. It was obvious that I wasn't the only gender confused person in the world but before joining Roses, I assumed that being TG meant you were a freak. I was wrong as I found. Angels Forum was one I joined a few years later, when I was 25. It was through Angels that I got out as Emma for the first time and I've met a few of the members. Both are very similar sites and both have much the same membership.

I'm still a member of both of these sites and I probably always will be, but I've often found that they can do a certain amount of damage. Obviously everyone has different experiences and different routes along the journey, but it seems that you don't seem to get many good news posts. Maybe it's just that people are more inclined to write about a bad experience than a good one, or just that the bad posts stand out, I don't know. People always seem inclined to reply to the bad posts too, which does bother me somewhat. I know that if someones had a bad experience that it's good to offer advice or comfort, but surely a good post deserves a pat on the back or good wishes. An example is a post I placed on Roses Forum a couple of days ago. It was basically an update about my current situation. It also featured a timeline, showing how quick my journey has been thus far. So far it's recieved 3 replies, which annoys me a bit and makes me wonder why I bothered. Why bother spreading good news?

I know that I've had a bit of a rant, but I will still continue reading the posts and leaving my own on both sites. The links of both sites can be found to the right somewhere, they are well worth a visit.

Waiting For A Disaster

2010-08-01T00:18:00.000+01:00

I've invested in a new NetBook, which means that I'll be back to more regular postings. It's good for me to beable to write down my thoughts via the medium of this Blog. I must say that I've missed being able to post here more regularly than I've been recently able to. The fact that it's perhaps been one of the most important periods of my life so far made it more annoying not being able to post about them.

So I'm officially 'suffering' from Gender Identity Disorder. It felt good to hear it and now after I've had time to digest it, I must say I feel good. I just want to get started now on Hormones and waiting for that is kinda agonising. The fact that I've had to wait my whole life to get to this point should make a few weeks wait a breeze! I just wish I was more patient some times.

I'm also waiting for something bad to happen, as morbid as that may sound. I suffered a few days of headaches this week and I thought that it may be a brain tumor! Crazy I know! I guess that I'm living the dream, a dream I've had since I was small. Expecting a disaster to ruin it is only to be expected I suppose.

one week on, the future

2010-07-29T02:04:00.001+01:00

So what do I feel about my life now? Well my future is all a little clearer now. Before, I guess I kinda didn't believe it'd happen. Now it is happening, I'm desperate to get started. I can't wait for the effects of hormones to begin showing themselves. From what I currently understand, it'll be about 6 months before the effects are noticable. As I'm still young I also understand that the effects should be pretty good. I've also been thinking a lot about the operation in 2 years time. I'm not particularly scared about the op, just slightly nervous. I'm sure it'll change as I get closer to it. I should be able to update more frequently from Friday as I'm investing in a Netbook.

One Week On

2010-07-29T01:52:00.001+01:00

It's been over a week since my GIC appointment and life is getting back to normal now. It took me a few days to get my head round things and to really digest it. Being accepted onto the treatment program was a major target of my life over the past couple of years. Becoming a female has been a major dream of mine since I was 6 years old. Knowing that that dream will be achieved kinda took the edge off life. I felt like I'd reached the end of my journey. I now know that I am infact still in the midst of my journey and that I merly reached a milestone. The battle may have been won, but the war is far from over. Things should be easier now and as I've done over the last year I will enjoy it, I'm determined to. The next stage is of course hormones, which I'm hoping to be starting within the next month. I went for my blood tests on Monday and I have my next appointment at the GIC on the 9th August, where I'll have to sign the relevant consent forms in preparation for Hormone Therapy.

Notts GIC 3rd Appointment -part 2 -thoughts

2010-07-20T20:33:00.001+01:00

So I'll be on hormones sooner rather than later and I can start living my life, start moving forward. It's a strange feeling. I was close to tears in the GIC when told that I was being accepted onto the program. Afterwards I felt kinda drained. I realised that my whole life had been leading up to today and it made me feel tired somehow. Now it still feels very dreamlike. I expect it'll really hit home over the next day or two. The fact that my next GIC appointment is only in 3 weeks is good in that it shows they're not messing about. Hopefully I'll be on hormones sooner rather than later. It feels weird to think that 6 months ago I'd only just been refered and now I'm where I am. It's been a crazy old journey up to this point and I've no doubt that it'll get crazier before the end. This all feels like the natural progression of things and I am truly happy with the way things are going.

Notts GIC 3rd Appointment -part 2 -thoughts

2010-07-20T20:32:00.001+01:00

Notts GIC 3rd Appointment -part 1 -the diagnosis

2010-07-20T20:13:00.000+01:00

So today finally arrived, my 3rd appointment at the Nottingham GIC. For the past week or so I've hardly slept. In my mind today was the biggest day of my life so far. It being my 3rd appointment, a decision would be made whether I'd be accepted onto the treatment program or not. My mum came with me to the appointment and was very positive with what she told the doctors. I saw both doctors at the same time and it was a very informal affair. They said that they'd decided before today to proceed with treatment. The fact that I'd moved ahead under my own steam as far as going full-time helped. They also mentioned that the diagnosis was pretty much there, which I guess means that I'm officially Gender Dysphoric. I kinda knew that already but to hear a trained profesional say it was very important. Now they'll write to my dr and I'll have to go for blood tests and a medical. I have to go back to Nottingham on the 9th August to discuss the process of treatment and the effects of hormones. My future can now begin.

In Their Hands

2010-07-18T22:44:00.001+01:00

Tuesday is fast approaching and my 3rd appointment at Nottingham GIC. I'm really nervous about it to be honest. I know what to expect now but as it's my 3rd appointment it's the one after which a decision regarding 'treatment' will be made. I've been full-time for a month and a half now so I can't really forsee a scenario where I'll be refused hormones, etc. There's still that tiny doubt at the back of my mind though, that tiny niggling doubt that this happy life i'm building will crash back down. I'm sure that everything will all be ok, but I'll be alot happier once the correct decision has been made.v

A month Of Full-Time

2010-07-12T21:23:00.000+01:00

Last Wednesday I celebrated a month of living full-time as a female. It's been a nice transition so far. Work has been very accomodating regarding my gender swap. I've had minimal trouble in the street. I pass quite well as I blend in. My morning regime is rather painless too. I've got my make-up regime down to about 15 minutes and so far it's been ok in the kitchen. In myself I'm a lot happier. I'm more at ease with myself and I can handle the everyday rigours of life that bit easier. Next week I have my 3rd appointment at Notts GIC and it's at that one that I should get an indication of whether my 'treatment' will continue. I personally don't forsee a problem with that as I'm completly full-time in every aspect of my life. I am kinda nervous though.

sparkle 2010 - part 6

2010-07-12T20:58:00.001+01:00

He said that he'd seen me the day before as he walked around with his girlfriend. He also said that at first he thought I was a real girl and that I looked good. After that he was on his way. I needed a bit of a pick me up and that little conversation provided it. I did enjoy the day and meeting up with old faces and meeting new ones was great. There were times when it all felt a little weird though. I kept forgetting that I was full-time and that kind of depressed me somewhat. I'm not entirly sure if i'll make the trip up next year. It's a great event for the tv or cd as it provides a 3 day window when they can dress to their hearts content. For me though it didn't offer much difference to what I do on a daily basis. It was definately an experience and I loved meeting the various girls I met throughout the day and night. I look forward to seeing most of them again soon.

sparkle 2010 - part 5

2010-07-12T20:37:00.000+01:00

Canal street was packed, the busiest I'd ever seen it. We ended up going to Eden for a drink. It was here that I began to feel tired. It had been a long day. It was busy in Eden, but we managed to find a seat. Rachel went straight after the meal, having been up since 5 I couldn't blame her. After Eden we walked Kara back to her hotel. Her room mate had gone Awol and as she was blind, we were all disgusted in her room mate for not staying in touch. Claire and her husband went at this point. After walking back from Karas hotel, Justine went her own way while myself, Jay and Gwen went for a drink in Taurus. It was still extremely busy. After Taurus we went to Vie before Jay and Gwen called it a night. I had a bit of a wonder to see if I could see anyone I recognised before getting back to my hotel at around 1am. The next morning, I went to the train station and walked back down Canal Street. A young guy approached me and asked if I'd enjoyed myself.

sparkle 2010 - part 4

2010-07-12T17:37:00.000+01:00

I went for a drink with Claire and John and on route I met a girl called Chrissie. She recognised me by my facebook pic and was very nice. Was great to meet her in person. While we had a drink, me and Claire caught up. As time was ticking on Claire and her husband went back to their hotel. I decided to pop for a drink and so found myself in View having a pint of lager and black. After another one in Taurus, I headed back to the hotel to get changed. An hour later and I'd changed, tidied up my hair and redone my makeup. I popped to the hotel bar for a quick drink before making my way to The New Samsi, a Japanese restaurant. Claire and her husband John had already arrived. Soon after, Jay, her wife Gwen, Mercia and a girl who's name I didn't catch turned up and we were shown to the table. Soon after, Rachel, Kara and Justine turned up. All in all there were 10 of us. The company throughout the meal was excellent and the food, although different, was very nice. We finished eating and decided to hit Canal Street

Sparkle 2010 - part 3

2010-07-12T17:21:00.001+01:00

After a bit of a chat I decided to go for a bit of a wonder so I made my way back to the park. It was starting to fill up and after a quick wonder around the various stalls I came across some familiar faces. I knew Emma, Mandy and Tina from the Northern Angels meals. I hadn't seen them since last october so it was good to catch up with them. They were at the transpose stall. Transpose is a dressing service based in Ellesmere Port and they were doing a fashion show that afternoon. Dave, the show choreographer, asked me if i'd look after the stall while they did the show and so I agreed. It was nice to watch all the people walk by. There were t-girls of all different shapes and sizes. It was definately an experience. One or two other girls who i'd met on my various trips out showed up. Gaynor, who i'd met in Nottingham last July said hello and Claire, who I met in Manchester last June also said hi. After about an hour Dave returned and I was relieved from duty.

sparkle 2010 - part 2

2010-07-11T15:56:00.001+01:00

After my coffee I popped over to the park. I spotted a girl called Jay that I was friends with on facebook. She'd organised a meal, which I was going to in the evening, and i needed to know where the restaurant was. She was very nice and we chatted for a while outside the park. The weather was starting to heat up nicely. Soon after Rachel, another girl on the meal, showed up and introduced herself. She'd come up from Brighton that morning so had had to get up at 5am! We decided to pop for a drink and soon we were sat outside Via watching the world go by and chating. Soon Kara showed up. She was blind and had her room mate with her, a girl called Sophie. Sophie was dressed in a bumble bee outfit. I realised then that it really did take allsorts.

Sparkle 2010 - part 1

2010-07-11T12:42:00.000+01:00

So the day was finally here, my first Sparkle. For those not sure, Sparkle is a 3 day TG event held on and around Manchesters Canal Street. It happens yearly on the second weekend of july. With Saturday being the busiest day, i decided to book a hotel room and see what it was all about. Having been full time for a month this was my first taste of the scene as a fulltime girl. I got up nice and early and at 10:00am I arrived in manchester. It felt a little strange walking to my hotel. My previous jaunts into manchester involved me arriving as Paul before spending 2 hours getting ready! This time though, i dumped the case in the room and headed straight out for an explore. They were just setting up in the park, stands and a stage popping up. After a quick walk up and down canal street i stopped at Via for a cappachino. It was nice sitting there watching the world go by. It was kinda strange though, seeing the various trannys and cross-dresser striding up and down canal street at 11 in the morning.

Young Again

2010-06-18T00:59:00.000+01:00

I've now had a full week of working as Emma. It's gone really well with most of my work collegues accepting me in my new gender role. I'm still getting the odd accidental 'Paul', but I can live with that for the time being. As long as people try, that's all I can ask.
My 'basic make-up' seems to hold quite well in the heat of the kitchen too, which was a concern of mine,going into full-time. Things seem to have fallen into place. Psychologically I'm in a better place too. I'm a lot happier and calmer and I feel more sensible somehow. The biggest difference has been that I feel like I'm 21 again. Going full-time has knocked years off me, no kidding.
I've decided to stay overnight for Sparkle. I was just going to go up for the saturday, but I knew that when I had to catch my train back home, I'd regret not sorting a hotel out. As it happens, I managed to get a room at a hotel just off Canal Street for £28, which is excellent for Sparkle weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't been to Canal Street since August last year, so going back is something that I cannot wait for. Most of all though I'm looking forward to meeting up with old friends I've not seen for a long time.

Getting To Sparkle At Long Last!

2010-06-16T15:45:00.000+01:00

Sparkle will soon be upon us. For those of you who don't know, Sparkle is essentially a transgender festival. It's held around the 2nd weekend of July on and around Manchesters Canal Street. For 3 days, the nations TG population descend on that small corner of Manchester for a weekend of TG celebration. For the last 2 years I've made plans to go, even booking a hotel each time.Unfortunately, both times I've been unable to go. This year though,I intend on putting in an appearence. I can't afford to go for the full 3 days so I've decided to go early on Saturday Morning and come back late on Saturday night. I gather that the Saturday is the main day anyway. On previous years, the prospect of being Emma for 3 solid days would've meant that staying over would've been the only option. Being full-time, the novelty of being Emma just isn't there, so 1 day is more than enough I think. Also, this way, I don't have to worry about what to wear or how to pay for the weekend. My main plan is to catch up with some of the people I know through facebook and through the support sites I'm a member of. Also after being away from the scene for 8 months I think it's about time I remembered where I came from.

My First Day At Work

2010-06-10T23:52:00.000+01:00

So today finally arrived. It was a day that I guess my life had been leading up to. Today I started working as Emma for the first time. Today I began truly living as a full-time female and it went very well.
I got up half an hour earlier to give myself the extra getting ready time, but I didn't need it. I had a clean shave and did my hair before doing my make-up. Working in a kitchen, I knew my make-up had to be minimalistic. I also had to cover up what remaining beard shadow the laser hadn't zapped yet. For the past few weeks I had been experimenting and compromising, trying to acheive something close to feminine, without being too much. When it came to doing my make-up this morning I simply used some mineral based poweder foundation, a touch of light brown eye shadow and some rose tint vaseline on the lips. Simple, but I think quite effective.
I got into work early and got changed into my whites. All in all everyone was brilliant. I got called Paul a couple of times, but I know that they were accidental as apologies were quickly said, followed by 'Emma'. I also got a few 'mates', but I put that down as force of habit.
The thing with transitioning is that a certain amount of give and take is required as well as a bit of compromise. I can't really get annoyed at people referring to me by my previous name, not yet anyway, as long as it's accidental. 2 months down the line, maybe, but not yet. I'm also determined to enjoy my transition, so getting offended by stupid things is not on the table.
At first, being in work as Emma felt strange. I used to have a recurring nightmare wheras I'd be in work and I'd suddenly realise I was wearing an item of female clothing, or I'd still have make-up on. I'd spend the rest of the dream trying to hide my mistake. Today I had to keep telling myself that this was not a dream. I was very concious of the fact that I was wearing a bra for instance. These feelings quickly subsided as the day wore on and by the end of my evening shift, it all just felt normal. All in all, as first days go, mine was rather successful. Roll on tomorrow.

The Times, They Are A-Changing

2010-06-09T22:54:00.000+01:00

This afternoon I found out that my bank had rejected my name change request. The reason was that they required a doctors note, on top of my official deed-poll document. After a couple of hours I managed to sort it out, but that involved a call to the banks head-office, a call to the DeedPoll office and a trip to my branch of Natwest. My name change on my account is going through now, hopefully. It just really annoyed me though, although I guess I needed a bump back down to earth. Things had been too easy I guess.
This afternoon after visiting the bank I popped on another bus and to my place of work. I needed a chat with the manager and also needed to change my name on the records. I start back tomorrow as Emma and I am so nervous it is unreal. My confidence has soared this past couple of years, but I still suffer with nerves. Not as bad as I used to, it has to be said, but still reasonably bad. It feels like my first day at a new job, although I'm sure that after I've been in for 5 minutes those feelings will disapear. The trouble is that a lot of my work collegues will be unsure what to expect from me. I'm sure that once they see that I'm the same person in essence, everything will be fine.
I've actually done something which I've never done before too. I've got my work-bag ready the night before. Infact I've got the clothes I'm wearing tomorrow out ready. Times are indeed a-changing.

I Love The Smell Of Burning Hair In The Afternoon ......

2010-06-08T16:46:00.000+01:00

Just arrived back home after my 4th bout of Laser hair removal on my beard area. It's beginning to clear nicely now, although I'll still need more sessions until I'm completly happy. The trouble with me though is that I set myself a rather high bar when it comes to my fem appearence. I've been known to spend 2 hours before, just on my make-up, and even then I wasn't 100% happy. I hate to see even a glimpse of beard shadow. The truth of the matter is that nowadays it's not too bad. I won't be 100% happy until it's all gone though, which means having to endure more pain.
I actually went as myself for the first time. It meant having to walk through Mansfield as Emma for the first time, which I was slightly nervous about. Mansfield is inhabited mainly by teenage mums in tracksuits, tattooed and pearced lads in hoodies and ignorant elderly people. It's not the most tolerant of places.
I passed through fine though and didn't get a peek out of anyone. I'm going to blow my own trumpet now and dish up a nice bowl of self-praise. I do pass really well, even without a wig. My own hair is long enough to be swept back by a head band and I do have quite a feminine build these days. The people who know me will still see Paul, but those who don't just see me as a female.

To My Grandad, RIP.

2010-06-07T12:04:00.002+01:00

It came to me about an hour ago that although today is a huge event in my life, it was also the date of one of the worst. 6 years today we cremated my grandad. He had died on the 1st June after a long illness and on the 7th June 2004 we gathered at brimington crematorium to remember him and to lay him to rest. What made it more difficult for me was that at the time of his death I was working overseas in Spain. I came home for the 3 days around his funeral. To think that 6 years have passed since is amazing. It only seems like yesterday.
Over this past year or so I've often wondered what he would have made of my transition. I like to think that he would have been accepting and would have understood, but in reality I think it would probably have confused the hell out of him. He loved all of his grandkids and his 2 great-grandaughters and had he still been alive today he would be a very proud great-grandfather to 5 more great-grandchildren. Infact had he survived for another week he would have had his first great-grandson. The birth of Callum on the 14th June 2004 was a light during a very dark time for myself and my family and represented (for me at least)that life does indeed go on. This post is dedicated to my beloved grandad who is always in my heart and memories. x

The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life

2010-06-07T10:26:00.000+01:00

Well this is it. After a couple of revertions back to male mode over the weekend, I'm now officially full-time. What does it feel like? Well to be honest not much different than before. I spent the majority of last week full-time, so it was more strange having to revert back to being a man, than it feels this morning. I think that going back to work on thursday will be when it really hits. I'm kinda looking forward to it, but I'm incredibly nervous too. I'm actually going to pop in on Wednesday to have a chat with the manager and also to change my name with the accounts department. Before that I have another bout of laser tomorrow. It'll be my first time going as Emma, so I'm also really nervous about that too. I actually told her that I would be transitioning a couple of months ago, so shes fully aware of the situation.
And what are my plans today, on the first day of the rest of my life? Well I'm going to do a bit of hoovering, mow the lawn and I'm going to wash some clothes. Exciting I know, but tonight I have a nice bottle of red wine to celebrate my new beginning and new life.

A Lighter Shade Of Hair

2010-06-05T22:18:00.000+01:00

The hair colouring didn't quite go as planned. I followed the instructions precisly, but the colour doesn't seem to have changed much. It may have gone a shade lighter, but not noticeably. I think perhaps I should have tried a lighter shade than I did, but you live and learn.
You may have noticed the new photo to the side. That's the most recent photo I have, having been taken a day or two ago. I'm alot happier with my hair now, having had a bit more of a play with it, and I'm finding a style that I'm happy with. Everything is shaping up nicely.