For Those That Sacrificed, So That I could Be Me

This is one of those posts that I talk about true events. It doesn't occur very often, that I drift off the TG road on this blog. In fact I make a point of ony doing it in very special circumstances. This special circmstance is concerned with the fact it was Rememberance Sunday yesterday, and tomorrow it will be armistace day. These two days are days in which I think its important to remember why we are all here. Why we are all allowed to be who we are and live in reletive freedom. Why I can speak using free speech on this blog. The fact that I'm transgender makes me even more thankful to those that have given their lives for the liberty of Great Britain. Not just the ones who fought in the trenches of the two world wars. But those that are in Afghanistan and Iraq at the moment. I personally don't agree with these two present conflicts but I appreciate that our boys are out their non-the-less. Everyday it seems, a fallen hero comes home in a Union Jack drapped coffin. A heroes return that the hero can't enjoy.

It pained me to read the other day of how little some school children know about World War 2. They think that Hitler was a German football coach and that the Blitz was a clean-up operation after the conflict. More absurd was that they thought that Austwich was the German equivalent of Disney Land. Seriously, they thought that the most feared death camp of all was a theme park. The fact that these children aren't educated about the war is criminal. We must never be allowed to forget. If I ever have children (through adoption, naturally) then I will make sure that they know all about the World Wars, but inparticular the sacrifices that were made by normal men. Men who gave their lives on muddy battle fields, far from home. It is every law abiding humans right to die in comfort surrounded by their family. These men sacrificed that right so that I could write this post this morning. So that I could go to work this afternoon and play Radio 1 on the stereo. So that one day I could be the person I am. To the fallen many, I honour you and dedicate this post to you. Thankyou x

The Stormy Spell, That Wasn't Forcast!

Tonight was a hard night. I experienced what can only be described as a free fall of my moods. I blame yesterdays therapy session, which was really brutal. I have had around 8 or 9 sessions so far and they have been both positive and negative in different ways. Yesterday though I suddenly hit a bit of a brick wall. She was asking about my early school life and about different feelings I would have felt. I felt trapped and cornered and hit a point where I just became unbeliveably scared. I was scared about giving the wrong answers. It's stupid I know, but I was very nearly reduced to tears. I don't blame Amanda, the therapist. She is only doing her job and is very good at it.

I think though, that the mental after-effects lingered around until today. I was working this evening and suddenly out of the blue I got so unbelievably low. I snapped at my co-workers and was a nightmare. Completely out of character, as I'm sure anyone will agree. For the duration of this bad spell I just wanted to cry. I kept feeling tears welling up, and the fight to stop them pouring out was a true battle. I have had bad spells like this before but this was such a sudden change and so intense that it really scared me. Even now I am trying not to cry. At the worst stage of the bad spell, I just felt so alone and so small in the world. Nobody can truly understand how or why this happened, but it did. I have always made a thing about my TG life not affecting my work life, but tonight it did. Even though everyone knows about Emma now, it doesn't mean that any issues or depressions that I experience can effect my work. And it shouldn't because it's not fair on my mates and those that have accepted me, for me to suddenly snap at them for the smallest of reasons.

Build a bonfire, build a bonfire put the closet on the top...

Yesterday morning I posted my first pictures of me as Emma on facebook. I have actually had a pretty good response especially from old school freinds. One message on my wall was as follows...


Hey chick I have just read ur blog, just wanna say I think it's fantastic what your doin sharing it with people it helps give real understandin of tg. I hope other people appreciate how brave you have been to tell the world. Keep doin what your doin chick be happy xxxx


It actually brought a tear to my eye when I read that. I'm assuming the blog she means is my other blog, which I started 2 weeks ago. I put a big post on it that I used as a link from my facebook page, to help people understand why I'm me. So this morning I made this blog 100% public by posting the link on my facebook status report. Another thing about this blog while I'm on the subject, I have decided to get it published. Basically I have started working on a book using my blog as a base. This has been a crazy year for me, full of ups and downs and I think that it would make a great book. Also it would bring tg issues into the public domain more. Or at least thats the hope. Hey, that movie of my life I mentioned in a much earlier post, might happen lol.

It's strange now though as I can't actually remember what it was like to be in the closet. It's like everyone has known all my life. I know now though what freedom feels like. I think that that is why I have gone the whole hog in coming out. Why I have made such a point of opening up my life to everyone in this way. I don't ever want to go back inside that closet. It's may seem coincidental that I used bonfire night to post pictures of Emma on facebook, and thus burn that closet to cinders.

Ringwood Hall Staff Party 2009 - Being Myself At Last

So tonight was the night. Possibly the biggest night of my life. I got ready without too much trouble. I had decided on black tights, strappy heels, short black skirt, black vest top, red cardi. For jewerlry I had decided on silver dangly earings, silver heart pendant, heart bracelet, silver rings and a silver leaf clasp braclet on the other wrist. I had also decided on my long lighter brown wig, with the usual natural make-up.

At 6:05 pm I set off down the road towards the bus stop. With horror I saw the bus go past and so set off on a sprint, but I was too late and so the bus drove away. I was fumng. This would mean that I would have to wait for an hour for the next one, thus making me an hour late for the party. So I headed back home and called a taxi. This gave me time to touch up my make-up and nails and also meant that I arrived at the hotel early.

I got the driver to drop me off at the bus stop outside the hotel. This was mainly because I needed air, but also because I kinda needed the walk down the drive to the front entrance. It was the longest walk of my life. I can remember on my very first night out last year I got a kind of Spidey Sense. I got it again on my second night out in April. Basically I suddenly became aware of everything around me to a degree I don't experience in normal life. I was just absolutely terrified. I wanted to turn back, but each step was taking me further to the point of no return. Finally I reached the front steps and headed into the entrance hall. John (the assistant manager) was there with Julie (his wife) working behind reception. John and Julie have always treated me well and we go back 10 years. I was greated warmly by them and was treated normally, which was a very strange feeling.

I was one of the first to arrive, although people kept turning up in dribs and drabs over the course of the next hour. It was a fancy dress party, although not many were in fancy dress. People were great with me and called me Emma, which made me feel, well words can't express. It felt really surreal but completley normal in equal measure.

Throughout the course of the night I spoke to a few different people and I soon realised that most had known for a while. My head chef had found out through reading my blog after it came up in a google search. That is the same way that nearly everyone had found out. I guess that having them read my blog helped them to understand me more. The worst thing about all of this though, was that I've spent ages worrying what people would think, or how they'd react. When it came to, my worries were completely unfounded.

My toilet worries didn't matter in the end as I still used the ladies. It just felt the normal thing to do. At one point in the night I was just taking a bit of a time-out, sat at a table on my own. One of the waiters and waitress came over and sat with me. They didn't like to see me on my own, and we chatted. I spoke openly about things with them and they were great, listening and asking questions. The waitress even suggested that I go to work as Emma. How I would love to do that and it will happen one day. Too much to sort out and organise before I reach that step.

The time soon reached 11:30 pm and the end of the party, or so I thought. A few of us headed up the hill into Brimington. Now Brimington is a district of Chesterfield. Filled with pubs, it is an experience while dressed normally, never mind as a Woman. How I managed to walk up that hill in my heels I will never know. I think that I earned alot of respect for that feat of resillience.

We went to a place called the Corner House which was open till 2 am. It was great to be in a proper pub, portraying as Emma. I didn't really get any funny looks, and I think I passed quite well. If you'd told me 6 months ago that I'd have gone out to a proper Pub as Emma with workmates, I wouldn't have believed it for a second. But here I was. My confidence is now through the roof and I feel so good about everything.

So there you have it, my first night out with people who know the male me, and it went brilliantly. Everyone was just so respectful and good about me being there as Emma. Everyone called me Emma and respected the fact that I was being me. The trouble is that as a member of sites such as Angels Forum and Roses Forum, I have been fed a diet of bad stories. I have read of people losing family, jobs and freinds just because they are Transgendered. Maybe that put me off coming out for so long. In my world, I needn't have worried half as much as I did. Im confident that those who don't fully accept me yet as Emma, will come round in time. I'm also confident that when the day comes that I begin my life as Emma proper, the transition will be a smooth one.

The Bravest Moment Of My Life, So Far ....

In a few hours, I'll begin the process of getting ready for tonights staff do. As I have stated in the last few posts, I intend on going as Emma. This is the culmination of what has been a crazy year for me. The progress I have made has been nothing short of amazing . Especially when you consider that the end of November marks the anniversary of the most defining moment in my life. I was ready to end it all. I was more certain about it than anything In my life previous. The rain was coming down as I walked to the cliffs, that were going to be my route out of this life. What stopped me? Well ultimately the thoughts of my family saved me. It was the darkest moment of my life, and the fact that something similar happened on boxing day, made me realise that things had to change.

Im a true believer in what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. I am probably living proof of that. I am a lot stronger than I have ever been in my life. Not physically, but mentally. Proof of this can be gleamed from what I have achieved this year, and the pure bloody minded bravery in those achievments. The fact that tonight I will be going to my staff party as Emma shows how far I have come.

Coming out to my family way back in April was the hardest thing I had ever done. It was also the bravest. It was a true leap of faith. I consider myself so lucky in that my family may not understand it, but at least they've found ways to accept it.

Coming out to the world via the medium of Facebook 2 weeks ago was the hardest thing I had ever done. It too was also the bravest. Another, possibly riskier, leap of faith. My worklife could have been at threat, but ultimately my workmates have been great. No one has mentioned it really, instead they have respected my wishes. Some have even been nicer. Some actually already knew, and those that didn't now know why I am who I am.

Going out tonight to my staff party as Emma will be the hardest thing I have ever done. It will undoubtedly be the bravest thing I have ever done. I am absolutely terrified but also excited. The butterflies which I have had for a week now, have intensified. But I'm going to take it one heeled step at a time. Be confident and show them that this is me. T

6 Months Of Progress Leading To One Night

It's been a long 2 weeks. This week has been one of the longest of my life. Why, you may very well ask yourselves. Well heres a quick recap.

2 weeks ago I announced on Facebook that I'm transgender. This meant that I was officially out of the closet to everyone. Since then I have found out that some of my workmates already knew. On the whole though, everyone has been fine about it. I have now decided to go to the Staff party on Sunday as Emma.

I am really looking forward to it, although I am a little scared about it all. It is something that I have to do though. I can't explain it but it is as though all the progress I have made over the past 6 months, has been leading up to Sunday.

I have my outfit sorted and have decided to go for a girl-next-door look. Nothing too over the top, but that will show off my best features. I just need to wash and condition my 'hair' and I'll be all set.

What am I hoping to get out of Sunday? Well firstly I'm hoping that it educates some people a bit. I'm sure that everybody has a vision in mind when they think about TG's. Hopefully I can make them see that being TG doesn't mean that you dress like lily savage. When I portray as Emma one of my main targets is to blend in. I never overdo the make-up and my fashion sense matches that of most girls my age. Hopefully this will come through on Sunday.

My only real concern about Sunday though is the toilet situation. When I portray as Emma it is a natural thing for me to use the ladies. But, that may come across as pervy on my part if I were to use the ladies on Sunday. Also, I wouldn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. That is a minor obstical though, and I'll work out a way to get around it somehow.

The Leap Of Faith

So I have been out of the closet for three and a half days now. Seems like alot longer than that to be honest. The first couple of days were up and down with me feeling really uneasy and not quite sure whether I'd made the right decision. The freedom I can now enjoy won't seem real for a while yet and will definately take some getting used to.

Since Friday though, I have had one or two suprises myself. Mainly that a few of the other chefs already knew. Only last night, I was chatting on Facebook chat with the Sous Chef, who informed me that he had known for a while. He did offer me his full support though, and was really good about everything. I am now seriously thinking of introducing Emma to everyone at the upcoming Staff Party (Nov 1st). Whether I do or not, remains to be seen.

I have now found myself making plans for the future as a female. Simple things such as growing my hair, pierced ears, etc. Making these plans really excites me and for the first time in a long long time, I am really optimistic about my future. I'm not naive to believe that everyone will be as accepting as people seem to have been so far, but I am not going to let that stop me doing my thing. Coming Out was a huge leap of faith that could so easily have gone wrong. The fact that I took that leap, means that I can do anything and in a way I feel kind of untouchable. Which for a while at least, is no bad thing.

Coming out on Facebook has left me feeling a little selfish, although in a good way. I know that by going ahead and transitioning I am being selfish as I'm doing it for myself. To make ME happy and to fulfil MY lifes wishes. The thing is though that is it not more selfish to expect others to remain unhappy but the same, rather than to follow your own lifes plan. Those that don't currently understand, will hopefully understand in time, that this is something I need to do. If I don't then I will die young. That might sound a bit of an exageration but that is how I feel.

Anyway, to end on a good note, I am now more happier and content in my future than I have been for a long time. I am not scared and instead I look forward to this journey. Coming Out has been a six month process (since I came out to my mum in April), and on the whole it has been a success.